Feeling good, not so good

I feel like a fraud today, because today I feel okay. How am I supposed to write about the lows of depression on a day that I’m feeling pretty good? Nevertheless, I feel the need to write and get my thoughts out in words. The biggest problem of the day is how to get this blog off of the ground with some interesting content. Frustration grows inside of me as I try to contemplate something worth reading.

And slowly I feel a come-down coming on, a feeling that today will be as useless as yesterday. It’s so annoying to have the feeling of wanting to create something, but no muse or ideas to guide me!

I have all these great visions in my head but I just do not know how to put them down on paper. I think part of the problem is these visions are really fractured.

I see people reading and getting filled up with some sort of comfort. Why are they comforted? I have no idea.

I see people laughing at something, but what could I possibly say that somebody would laugh at?

It’s frustrating to say the least, and perhaps a preview into my poor executive function. The tips websites say to create a clear niche, to envision the types of readers you want, to have a purpose to your blog. I try to come up with these things and I find myself running in circles. Racing thoughts come and go and I’m lost in a sea of mediocrity.

I have a point but I don’t know what it is. I have ideas but I don’t know where they go when my fingers touch the keys.

I’m lost in my writing style even. Do I want to be open and vulnerable? Do I want to be straight to the point and easy to read? Or do I want to be deep and poetic, and make the words sing out my hearts music?

Okay, deep down I think that I like being poetic, but it’s just so damn vulnerable of a place to be. And you really have to suck at it for awhile before you’re any good. It’s hard to suck at something so vulnerable and easy to shatter.

Maybe it’s best that I see this time as a starting point, a finding of my grounding. I can’t expect myself to have a great voice right away without having found my footing.

I know I would like to discuss mental illness, but I feel it’s something more then that. Something that is hard to find words for. Words that work for a blog name anyways 😉

The closest thing I can come up with is “the struggle”. With life, with problems, with people, with self ideations, and with everything that has ever made me or you feel challenged. Aha! I think I just found a better catchphrase for underneath the blogs title at least.  “A look at the challenges faced by Mankind”. Hmm, a little sloppy but that will work for now. I’ll have to sharpen it up in a little while when I think of something better.

As for an audience, man I really have no idea what kind of audience I’m reaching out to. Those who feel the struggle of life? Well that’s damn near everybody isn’t it? I suppose it would be closer to those who feel lost and without answers. Wait a second, that’s a whole lot of people too. People looking for comfort? Ah, well that seems to ring a little closer to home. People who need some comfort in their lives, that’s probably who I would like to provide for.

How do I bring comfort to peoples lives? I think I would like to give people some sort of healthy escape from their reality. In a way that’s not really so much an escape, because the things I discuss will be troubling. Perhaps I can comfort people in not feeling alone?

I really don’t know, I have some homework to do to figure out this blogging thing.


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