My head is clear today, my thoughts are settled and my body is at rest. Today just might be a good day. A day that comes without warning and is taken as swiftly as it came. It’s days like these that I clean up the house, read a book and go for a walk. I’ve made my bed and I’m getting ready to have a shower after I write this blog post. I have a little bit of motivation, and a clear enough head to not worry about failure. I can only hope this feeling lasts the whole day, and I don’t have a switch flipped somewhere in the middle.
It will be hard to focus on the good things and appreciate the little bit of time I have to enjoy, as it’s easy to start to dread on when it all falls down. And in the end, it usually does fall down again.
It’s almost funny how you can’t remember what the flip side is like, when I’m feeling down I forget what it means to be happy, when I’m happy I forget just how far down the hole I can go. I would like to write about the human condition today, and how draining on the soul it can be. But Perhaps then I would be missing out on the other side of the human condition, that being joy, pleasure, acceptance, happiness and sharing.
So I would like to say a few things I am grateful for. I am grateful that I live in a country that supports to some extent people who are in a situation like I am. I know there are so many others with so much less, and I am so lucky to be where I’m at. I appreciate that I have a safe place to lay my head at night. I am grateful for my wonderful pets, who keep me company and put a smile on my face when I don’t think I have a smile to give. I am grateful for the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. I have food to eat and I know I won’t go thirsty, which so many people out there can’t say for themselves.
I almost forgot what it’s like to feel the sun in my face, and just let it radiate without a thought. It’s beautiful out today, and I think I might go for a walk down to the river if it stays nice out.
I do feel the itch at the back of my head that sais “You’ve got an hour of this bub.” I’m trying to ignore it. There’s a good chance things will turn around for me, I do have rapid cycling some days. I have to try to not think about it, or I can cause things to spiral down myself.
It starts with me thinking about how good I feel and everything I could accomplish with those good feelings. I could do the dishes and clean up the bathroom and get in some exercise. When I don’t accomplish one of those things I start thinking about how I’ve failed again today, and the self-loathing starts. The racing thoughts come on because I’m hectically trying to think of what I could do with what little energy I have to make the day productive. And uh-oh, then I start thinking about how everything is pointless anyways. That’s when the depression really starts to take hold of me, when I start asking myself what the point of it is.
It’s not everyday that I feel good that I can allow myself to feel good either. With the dread of the next onset of depression, it’s easy to ignore the good feelings and focus on the eventual downswing of my emotions.
It’s easy to be hard on myself, to say I don’t deserve to feel good today. That there’s something wrong with me and this won’t last because I am not worthy of it. That the good day will be wasted anyways, what’s the point in trying to enjoy it. It’s almost funny I call it a good day because I still go to dark places trying to figure out what exactly is happening in my head.
But I digress, if I try to explain too much into the negative I think I’m going to ruin the day. Today is something to be enjoyed as much as it can be.
Here’s to you life, with your wacky ups and downs, and all sorts of weird feelings.