Mixed feelings

Having a bit of a weird day today, I have lots of mixed emotions and anxiety. I’m happy to have learned that this feeling I get is anxiety, now I can look for ways to deal with it. Before it was really confusing because I get this feeling like something’s not right, and that I needed something to relax. The problem is nothing satisfies that hole I have, and I start to lose it. I pace around the house a lot, talk to my cats, and in general go in circles in my head.

I don’t know what’s wrong today. I don’t know why I feel so funny. My only idea is that it’s all the racing thoughts trying to jump over each other. Even to do with my blog, I have all these mixed feelings and that usually leads to me freezing up.

The last few posts I made I was a little manic, I can look back and realize that now. A big tip off is how excited I got, and how I made all these promises to myself to keep going 100%. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I can see that I was biting off more then I can chew. I’m not ready to write everyday and read everyday, it’s hard enough to take personal care of myself let alone start big projects.

I also had the same thing happen that’s happened every time I get excited and start a blog. I started to feel weird about it. Like something wasn’t right. That really dirty, guilty, shameful feeling. I think I’m scared of people seeing me the way I am inside. Not everyone though, in fact a lot of people I don’t think I would care what they think.

What really brings me down and makes me afraid to write is the really macho, alpha male, tradesmen sort of people. I don’t know how I would react if a contractor read my blog and called me a pussy. It sounds a little silly when I say it out loud, but I guess I’m afraid of being called out for having feelings or having things not alright in my life. There’s the classic “man up” approach taken by a lot of men, and it doesn’t work for me. It never has. In fact it’s more likely to make me angry or freeze up.

I have some issues right now with identity, and I think the idea of a manly sort of person coming down on me really stresses me out. I don’t really know who I am or what I care about, and a lot has changed in a short span of time. I don’t really care about the macho stuff, it doesn’t do anything for me. I also don’t like the idea of having low self-esteem, low confidence, and no skills.

I’m sort of stuck with this right now because I don’t know how to identify somebody that is confident, has self-esteem and has skills that isn’t an asshole. I don’t know how to have those things without becoming things I don’t want to be. I think I need to meet more people to see what kinds of people exist. So far I haven’t seen anybody take the best of both worlds, the manly man who is kind to others. The sensitive man who can fix a car and build a house. I want to be in that middle, I just don’t know how.

I think this post is a bit of a fuck you to my fears of assholes. Maybe I’ll get made fun of but the post is going up regardless.

I think it’s more likely that I’ll keep writing posts as I feel like I can. Hopefully they will be more frequent as I start doing it more. It does seem helpful to write, and it lets me escape for a little bit. That feeling of anxiety goes down a little bit when I write and that’s a good thing.



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