Anxiety and Motivation

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My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. Heart palpitations and extreme restlessness abound. I’m stuck in the usual anxious mood of “I don’t know what to do with myself” and “I don’t know what the problem is but there’s a problem.”

I think that my anxiety comes in where my goals meet my depression. I start to plan things and come up with ideas I’d like to work on, and create a bunch of things I’d like to start or accomplish.

Then the depression hits me and I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I start getting really anxious because there’s things I want to do, but they aren’t getting done.

Today I’m struggling with what to do with my blog. I’m getting frustrated and angry because I don’t want this to become “I didn’t know what to write about today, so I wrote a blog post about it.” I want to have something interesting to talk about.

This is why I want to create a separate section aside from the blog. The blog is mostly just going to be me figuring things out. It might be a lot of the same thing because I tend to organize my thoughts as I write in order to come up with the next big thing.

Maybe I’ll call the blog something else, like “Beginning the day”. That’s sort of what it has been so far, a start to my day to accomplish other things. It also gives me some release of the emotions and anxiety that I’m feeling. Expressing myself seems to calm me down a little and let me look at problems more subjectively.

I have a few ideas for quality posts I’d like to create, but the anxiety and the depression is getting in the way so much today.

I’m anxious because I want this website to have quality content, and I want it to be successful in reaching other people. I don’t know how to sit down and organize the thoughts I have going in my head. When I’m anxious it makes it 10x harder to relax and figure something out.

The depression is really hurting me today because I know there’s things I could be doing, I just don’t have the energy to do them. If I could just start the ball rolling, then I might be able to make some progress. Which solidifies my idea for the blog being a “jumpstart” to creating other things for the website.

I don’t know if it’s my executive function, my depression, my anxiety, or all three, but I just don’t know how to start. I don’t know where to begin putting focus and effort.

I hope this isn’t too hard to understand, but I’m going to try to figure out what order I should do things in.

Okay, I’m going to identify the problem first.

The problem is: I can’t decide what to do with myself.

The solution, come up with things to do and pick one.

  1.  Write a blog post
  2. Upgrade the blog
  3. Do research
  4. Read a book

Okay, well first number one is now being worked on. I don’t have enough content in my head to make content on a blog, which means I need to do research. Upgrading the blog, I can do a couple things today but not much needs to be done right now. I already read from a book today, but I might read some more.

I feel a little better now. I’ve made it definitive that I should be doing research right now. My other options are just things I would like to be doing right now, but doing research makes the most sense for how to spend my time.

I feel a little more motivated, although not much, at least knowing what I should do. Even if I don’t do it, I can at least relax a little knowing what I should be doing if I feel up to it. Just the feeling of being powerless can bring on so much anxiety and frustration.

Making this post was useful, maybe not for anybody reading but it was to me. I lowered my anxiety level a little bit and figured out what I need to do next. I found a new way to organize my blog and make it useful to me. For an empty blog post, this one was definitely helpful to me.

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