Lonileness

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An average day with somebody with depression can often be accompanied by a tidal wave of loneliness. As anxiety and anhedonia settle in, it becomes easy to withdraw from people you were once close to. Social settings just don’t do it for you anymore, and you’re starting to feel like nobody understands you.

It has been a hard few years without having any close friends. What feels like an eternity ago I had to break off ties with people who were no longer benefitting my life.

The first group of friends I had to leave was toxic. I was starting to see myself slipping away with this group of friends. Turning into a deadbeat, with no ambition or desire to better myself. This group played into my temptations and vices and I found myself making stupid decision after stupid decision.

I found a group of friends later on in college, and they were pretty cool for awhile. I still think about them sometimes. They just had different lifestyles and we went in different directions in our lives. I found myself falling into old patterns with this group of friends as well, so I decided it was time to cut them out.

Fast forward to now and it’s been about 4 years since I’ve had a solid friend. I’ve visited people here and there along the way, but I haven’t made any strong bonds in a long time.

That changed a little last year when my brother moved back home. We’ve been sort of close, but he isn’t home much. He works long hours and most days of the week so I’m lucky if I get to spend any time with him. Of course we’re close as we’re brothers, but I think I need friends outside of family as well.

I think what’s hard even beyond not seeing my brother or my girlfriend often is that depression makes you feel lonely anyways. Even when I’m around people I don’t feel connections or bonds forming anymore.

A lot of the time I even find myself irritable, not really wanting to engage with somebody. It’s not that I have a problem with the person I’m with, it’s just this underlying grumpiness that has no reason behind it. People I used to look forwards to seeing now feel like a chore to visit.

The anhedonia is crippling when it comes to relationships. I could be hanging with people, making jokes, and just unable to laugh or see the humour in the situation.  I want to have a good time but it just seems like everything is pointless or stupid.

Then there’s just the general feelings of being alone while you’re with others. There just isn’t any connection being made. This can make me feel so sad, especially around people I love, because the need for connection is still there.

I don’t know what’s behind all of this. I don’t know if there’s some underlying fear of opening up to others. I feel like there could be. I think that after having failed friend attempts I’m a little nervous about meeting new people.

I just don’t want to get myself into anymore messes. I would like to find people who lift me up, not bring me down. And I think desiring those kind of people makes me feel a little guilty. Like I don’t deserve to have that kind of person in my life. I worry about being the one bringing somebody else down. It would be so nice to find people who have the patience for me.

I really miss being able to get excited about something and tell somebody about it. I miss laughter. I miss feeling safe and cared for. I miss feeling important.

I also struggle a lot with social anxiety and self confidence. Even if I felt good right now, I don’t know how to make friends. I was brought up very sheltered and have never had many friends. I’m very quiet and introverted by nature, and I find most people don’t move at my pace. I don’t understand social situations all the time and my self-esteem doesn’t help with the learning curve.

I don’t think I’ve found many people like myself. I’m a little bit weird I suppose, and the people who have matched up so far haven’t been the best influences on my life.

I think that I deal with the loneliness by having hope that I will have friends again one day. I’ll keep on searching, I won’t give up on finding others who are like-minded. Maybe I’ll even meet some interesting people through my blogging.

 

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