I’m so frustrated and depressed today. The anhedonia is hitting me like a sack of bricks. There’s so many things I’d like to accomplish but I’m just not feeling it today.
My house is an absolute mess, I let it get so bad. I can’t bring myself to get up and do the work. And I’m sure the mess is adding to the depression. The weight set I bought is still sitting in the corner unused.
I can’t bring myself to write anything because my mind is so blank today. I’m not really thinking about anything except my frustration with my situation.
Today I can’t stop thinking of all the things I would be doing if it wasn’t for the mental illness. I know I would have had potential to make something of myself if it wasn’t for this. So far I’m living with my parents at 26, unemployed, with no friends. This isn’t what I thought was going to happen with my life.
I want more then anything to start a business, it’s been my dream since I was a little kid. I don’t have the drive to do something like that. Owning a business means so much work, discipline and courage. I’m lucky if I can motivate myself to clean up the kitchen.
These are the worst kind of days, where I’m just a ball of anger. I feel like something was stolen from me. My life was stolen from me.
What’s worse is even if I do accomplish something, I probably won’t be able to enjoy it. I have a lot of depersonalization and derealisation, so I rarely feel much of anything except anger.
I hate my blog today. I hate my writing, I hate my lack of motivation.