I’m starting to feel like I am close to the point of looking for a job. The depression is lifting a little bit, and the disassociation is giving way to real feelings here and there. My lack of focus hasn’t improved much though.
I’m still quite depressed, I struggle to do chores and take care of myself. I think that a job would be helpful with getting a routine going and taking better care of myself.
It’s been a little strange, these days that I’ve been touching the edge of normal. After years of depression I’ve forgotten what some of the regular things feel like that I would have taken for granted before.
It’s near impossible to explain the differences, there’s just no words for some experiences. Stranger yet, it’s hard to remember what good feels like when you’re low, and hard to remember what bad feels like when you feel normal. So even on days where I have the energy to explain something, it’s still hard because I don’t know how to articulate what I’m going through.
As far as my writing goes, I’ve been a little slack the past week or so. I haven’t lost interest entirely in it, I’m just past the initial “Wow this is awesome” phase.
I think in part I’m reading what I’ve written and feeling stupid for how bad it is. Thinking about the amount of work to do to better myself feels really daunting too.
Aiming to be famous or even just a really good writer is proving to be a challenge. I try not to think that way, but nevertheless the want for it is there. Days where I actually just enjoy myself I produce better writing then when I’m stressing about whether it’s good enough or not.
Not that I don’t think it’s important to strive for improvement, and to have a purpose with learning. It’s just that when I focus so much on being THE best, or making lots of money, my writing and my self esteem take a big hit.
And damnit I really just don’t have the energy or drive to write sometimes. It’s not so much writers block as it’s a “Don’t break everything in the house in frustration” block. When I feel so blocked up that nothing is being produced it sends me into a rage. I can’t stand stagnation.
Depression, and mental illness as a whole, has taken it’s toll on my cognitive functions. It’s almost impossible for me to sit down and read a book, I just don’t have the focus I used to.
I think that the short term memory circuits have been fried in my brain. Or at least they’re out of service right now. I find myself reading the pages over and over again.
My ability to imagine things is also impaired, I’ll do my best to describe it. Normally, while reading, or just thinking about something in general, I’m able to form a mental picture in my head. It’s not in perfect focus, it’s more like a dream, but I can at least hold the picture there in my head for a second or two. Details in books bring on mental images without effort, it just sort of appears in your head even when you’re not trying to think what the author is describing.
Now when I read, or try to imagine something in my head, I only get an image for a split millisecond. I can no longer hold an even somewhat foggy unclear image there. It’s just blank, either that or it switches pictures so fast I can’t keep up. I was reading a book today, (A Stephan King book, my favorite author), and found that the imagery just wasn’t going through. Some pieces would, but it’s like there’s this mental block when I try to read. The images just don’t come.
It’s similar with almost any task that requires any amount of thinking. I get a mental block, and I cant focus on the task at hand. Either I go blank, or thoughts come so fast to me that I can’t even keep up with them.
A couple weeks ago I felt a voice in my writing that was strong enough to write. Right now I don’t feel that voice, my writing feels weak and unfiltered. Sometimes when I’m writing I can reach down past the mental blockages. Not lately though and that’s depressing in itself.