Self Destructive Behavior

I’m feeling okay, slightly motivated even, and this is a blessing and a curse. On the upside, it’s good to not be stuck in bed for half the day, and to not feel completely numb all the time. I’m not complaining.

The problem with feeling better is that I know I have to make the next steps in getting my life in order. I’m apt to make my life dysfunctional so that I don’t have to move forwards.

I need to get a job, that’s the next thing I need to accomplish.

I haven’t worked in close to 5 years now because of complications with my bipolar. It feels like there are a lot of things I have to do to set myself up for applying for work.

First, I’ve acquired 6 months of volunteer hours, so I have a reference at least now. That part is done for the most part.

I’m frustrated because¬† I need a reference, and I don’t know how to set that up with the animal shelter. They’re only open in the mornings, and it’s different people there everyday. I don’t know how to make sure that when an employer calls, there’s somebody to pick up on the other end. It also stresses me out majorly to think about trying to set up a time an employer could call so that somebody picks up the phone. What if they call and nobody answers? What if the wrong person answers and sais they never heard of me? Fuck does this ever make me mad.

There’s also just the fact that I haven’t worked in so long, and I’m concerned about adjusting to it. To go from my own schedule to a set schedule is daunting.

I can’t even bring myself to talk about it on here, it stresses me out so much.

The point is that when I’m feeling good sometimes, I see all the things I have to overcome and I start to self-destruct. I fuck everything up so that I don’t have to wait until I fuck everything up.

I’m hoping that by posting this I can remember the pattern I fall into. I have the resources to take the next steps, it’s just whether I’ll destroy those resources before I can use them.

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