Wow, what a rush of feelings I’m having. I can’t even pinpoint exactly what’s wrong. I have some ideas, but it could be anything when it comes to anxiety. I feel like my chest is going to explode, it’s hard to breathe, and my muscles are going spastic. Anxiety sucks!
The first thing that comes to mind is fear of change. Things are slowly taking a turn for the better, who would think that could be bad? I’m coming out of my comfort zone and challenging myself to do better with my life. I have plans for the future, motivations for things to accomplish, and a sense of ambition.
My brother and I are working on a business idea. I’m excited to be working on something, especially something that seems like it could be a success. I look at what drives me, the want for freedom to use my time how I choose to, and it scares me as much it gives me a rush of exhilaration.
I’ll be open about it no matter how silly it may seem. I want it to be a million dollar idea. The market is there, we just have to execute. There are so many things we have to do to get to our end goals. I’m excited about those things no matter how nervous they make me.
I envision my future being that of personal freedom and of financial freedom. Having things I’ve always wanted, doing things I’ve always wanted. It’s just a matter of pushing myself to accomplish those goals. So while I know some of my anxiety is coming from the daunting task of starting and running a company, I can see that it’s not the root of the issue.
What I’m scared of, okay this is silly I know, is of being wealthy. I don’t understand it but it’s there. Perhaps it is because my life right now is so “comfortable”. I don’t regularly have to push myself, I don’t have to leave my comfort zone if I don’t want to. Heck, I barely leave the house most days.
The scary thing is just that things would be different. What if my family and my girlfriend change when I have money? What sorts of things will it do to change their personalities? I love them the way they are, and while they can always improve, what if wealth only brings out their negative qualities? What if there is fighting? What if it brings a line between us? What if my brother buys a new Ferrari and crashes it? This may all sound silly to you but these are real fears I have in chasing after my dreams. I would rather never have the money to begin with if it somehow led to the death of somebody I loved.
I’m afraid to lose my heart and my morality to money. I know I can overcome this if I stay true to myself, but that fear is there anyways. What will it do to change me? Will I still show humility to others, will I still be kind, will I have my morals? Deeper down me sais yes, I will still be who I am in my heart. Fearful me sais “Watch out!”. Maybe that fear can be a good thing, perhaps it will keep me on an straight course.
Are you ready for some super silly fears? I worry that I won’t have time for my cats as I really dig into this project. They’re getting old, what if they die before I have the chance to relax again and spend time with them? This may seem childish but I’m afraid of missing the last little bit of time we have together. They have been with me for 20 years, since I was a child, so that’s where the childish attachment comes from. They’ve been with me through everything that has ever happened in my life.
What if the money brings separation between my brother and I? He is my closest friend and ally, I would choose our bond over money. What if that changes? What if money becomes the only thing I love in my life? What if I stay the same but it changes my brother? What if he stops loving me one day? That thought scares me more then anything.
The more I talk about this the more it seems like that won’t happen. Obviously these things go very deep with me on an emotional and intellectual level, so I can’t imagine them ever going away. I think the fear is there still because I have gone down the path of immoral thinking before, and accepted it as who I was. If you read my first blog posts I was at one time obsessed with the idea of being wealthy. To the point it was all I cared about. This was during some of my worst manic stages I’ve ever faced, so I hope that it’s a symptom of my illness rather then who I am in my heart.
My last fear comes from the way I was brought up. I was a Jehovah’s witness for the first 16 years of my life, the teachings are still ingrained in me. While I don’t believe in a paradise earth or Satan anymore, those feelings still ache about the idea of wealth. What if Satan really did lure me into his trap? Look at how much I want these things. It’s only when I remember the reasons I don’t believe anymore, and my rational thinking about religion itself, that I can talk myself out of such silly notions.
Thinking about the good things I could do for the world with a hundred million, five hundred million, a billion dollars, is what keeps me grounded. I could bring so much value to the world with the means to make a difference. I’m not so naïve to believe in a utopia, or that everything isn’t too complicated to fix it all, but I do think that we can be better off then we are now. Science and technology have done wonderful things for us as humans, and will continue to do so with brilliant and visionary people to drive them forwards.
Writing in my blog really does seem to help. The anxiety will probably continue once I am finished, but while I’m writing I’m in the zone and I don’t think of much else. I recommend writing a journal to anybody suffering from anxiety or depression. It really helps to keep the feelings and emotions in check. It may not solve anything, but it allows you to carry on.
This may all seem very egotistical, or like I’m dreaming. So be it. Maybe I won’t accomplish a damn thing. I doubt it though. I think through repeated failure comes success. The truth of the matter is people do accomplish great things. You can’t do that if you don’t expect yourself to. My personal motto lately has been you can’t win the lottery if you don’t play it. Not that the lottery is a good investment or something that I play. It’s about the metaphor, I won’t ever have wealth if I am not pursuing and expecting wealth to be a part of my life.
I think my fear really comes down to the fear of change and the fear of success. Perhaps I will do some reading on how to overcome that.