It looks like drinking needs to be cut out too. It sucks because I enjoy a good night with my brother talking about life and motivations while we have a few beers. It’s not worth it to drag myself down though, and the alcohol really depresses me. I just went into a slump tonight, fell to a low I haven’t felt in a couple months.
I was really starting to think about my weaknesses, and I got that deep hole inside that makes me feel like I don’t want to live anymore. I had to take an Ativan just to calm down and ground myself. I don’t like that I’m reliant on it sometimes, but it is what it is.
The problem tonight was thinking about how tough some people are. Specifically I’m thinking about the stereotypical truck drivers and biker guys. They just seem to have no fear, and nothing phases them. They’re confident and believe in what their opinions are. Not only that, they can back themselves up physically because they are rough and tough. They’ve been through some hard times and it’s strengthened them.
I’m not that kind of strong. I have fears, and those fears do get in the way sometimes. Death is one of them. More specifically dying before I’ve accomplished what I want to do. I’m not physically a huge guy either, and I’ve never been in a fight.
I don’t even know what my problem is exactly. Maybe it’s that I have a problem with authority. Which is weird in itself, I don’t have a problem with police or anything at all, if anything I respect them. It’s more the people who would have authority because they are bad people. They have physical strength, and if you get on their bad side they could just hurt you. And even if you were bigger then them, they have friends in dark places. These are the kind of people I’m afraid of and who make my blood boil sometimes. They can do what they want and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t even defend yourself.
There’s nothing I can do about it anyways. I don’t have any tough friends, I don’t have a personal army. I think this aloneness is probably a big part of this. I feel very vulnerable having no friends, nobody to back me up in a conversational or physical confrontation. I can only hope that I somehow gain some strength out of having to fend for myself.
What lifted me up from this sort of thinking is logical thinking and a little science even. I remembered that survival of the fittest doesn’t necessarily mean the strongest or fastest. It means the most adaptable to the situation. I realized that I am strong in my own ways. Evolution has given me gifts that put me in a good position if I just take advantage of it.
I’m intelligent , I don’t say it to brag, I just know it’s true. I think on a level that’s climbing towards our worlds leaders. This is about as egotistical as I can get, but if it brings me above and beyond then it is a tool that I will use.
I can see the use of brute force in the trade world, and how it’s useful for those kinds of people to be rough and tough. Building infrastructure for todays world is a hard challenge, and beating it into submission has worked very well so far. There is no current alternative to people just being tough and dirty to get things done. We need those kind of people to build things for us.
Where I get mixed up is seeing that I’m not that kind of tough, and feeling like that makes me not as useful to society. But that simply is not true. It takes all kinds of people to make our society run.
That TV show the trucker likes to watch and unwind to when he gets home off the road, that’s because of different people working together. It sure as hell wasn’t a trucker that invented the TV. In fact the truck that he uses to even have the job he has, that was intelligent people, not rough and tough people, who made it come together. And it goes higher then that. The big wigs, the heads of corporations and businesses, those are the reason that trucker even has a use for himself. Without people running the business, he would be shit out of luck. He’s a trucker, that’s what he’s built for, he’s not built for being in charge of a business. What’s interesting is there are hybrids of intelligent people and rough people, and those are the people running those type of trade operations. The average tradesmen is specialized in his trade though, and has no abilities outside of it.
I just have to accept that there’s all kinds of people, and that everybody has their place in society, for now. Perhaps in the future the need for the roughest of the bunch will die out as robots take on more and more of societies grunt work. I think it’s possible there will be no need for people to be assholes in the future, and that evolution will do it’s job of weeding it out if it becomes counter-intuitive to surviving and thriving as a species. It’s easy to say something naïve like “That’s just life” or “there will always be assholes”. In reality though, those asshole traits are just characteristics of what is currently thriving on this planet. Just a piece of a human body and psyche. Something that evolution will keep or won’t keep. I think with the curve we are on, it’s really the brute force type guys who will start to die out and the more intelligent will begin to thrive. It’s sort of the way it goes. Apes and bears are much stronger then us physically, but we are above them because we are more intelligent then they are. In the same way, I think artificial intelligence is the next step on the evolutionary ladder. I’m getting ahead of myself now, but this is what gives me grounding.
In the very far future, when we are more consciously controlling our own evolution, we will probably decide on whether we should keep those kinds of traits. Once brain hacking begins, who knows how different we will look as human beings.
This might all sound a little harsh and loopy, but I have to think about things as objectively as possible or I just won’t believe them. When I think about what the real, hard truth could be, or at least what sounds closest to it, I am grounded. I am able to accept myself and not feel worthless.
I’m on a path to success, and I have a good set of genes to carry me through. It’s in my blood to succeed and overcome, I just forget that sometimes. I have to stop and look objectively at myself, and see where my real strengths are and how far they will actually take me. And I would rather be egotistical then feel like shit for the rest of my life.