It seems like it’s going to take a few tries of me hitting rock bottom to climb my way out of it. I was doing really well again, and then stumbled into old habits for the past few days. I know there’s some days where I just won’t be able to beat depression, but I can attest to this being in my own hands. I self-sabotaged and I know it.
My fears and especially my anxiety are the culprits I was running away from. There is just so damn much I need to work on, and half the time it feels like my goals are unreachable. When I think that I can’t do it, I tend to say “screw it” and sabotage the progress I’ve made. The only thing I can do is start over though, and perhaps keeping myself accountable on my blog will be helpful to me. Not only that, I can go back and read and recognize the same patterns I fall into.
The changes in my mood, and seeing things improving, has definitely been a strange and scary experience. I suppose a large part of that is fear of failure. Fear of putting a lot of work into something and thinking it will amount to nothing. Objectively I know this is silly, the progress I’ve made is there to be seen. The work I’ve already done has put me in a place I was not in before.
Fear of failure stops me way to much. It’s nefarious because it can be so silent and hard to measure. I can’t always pinpoint what is giving me anxiety and stopping me from moving forwards. I sometimes think that it’s something else that I am afraid of, when in reality it is the fear of failing.
I haven’t found any ways that are effective enough at battling these fears. It’s something I have to keep working at and keep searching for answers. I watched a video tonight on Youtube, it’s called the London Real, and it was an interview on Dan Pena. He’s a multi-millionaire, as well as a mentor to entrepreneurs, and has some great philosophies for life and accomplishing things. I recommend anybody with an hour and a half to spare to watch the video I just posted.
Something valuable to me tonight, and it’s so simple, is the idea of “just fucking do it”. It wasn’t just the four words that got to me though, it was everything behind it and who he is as a person that makes it more meaningful. To hear about the types of things that people overcome, and survive, was just as important as the idea itself.
Dan Pena runs a mentorship program, and hearing the stories about people coming there made me feel a lot better. Like it’s okay to fuck up sometimes. Just hearing that people had cried, passed out, even soiled themselves at his program made me feel a lot better. Knowing that they had vulnerabilities, and even had those vulnerabilities be shown to others, made me feel less afraid of the embarrassment I will have to face as I grow.
I think what I need to allow to happen is to possibly cry, or feel completely humiliated, in front of others. I need to see that for one, it doesn’t mean anything, and more importantly, that it is not effective to getting to where I want to be. I think if I were to break down in front of an employer or investor, and see that it doesn’t do me any good, it will train my mind to find other avenues for being successful and pulling my own weight.
Embarrassment is one of my biggest fears, and while in an objective mood while I am writing my blog, I can see how silly it is to be afraid of. It has it’s place for keeping people from being complete idiots all the time, but at the same time it’s not something for me to allow to control my life. If I could just let myself be embarrassed, and see that I’m still alive afterword, I would probably start to overcome it.
I think even writing this blog, and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, has been a very good thing for me. I’ve exposed myself, and even received support in doing so. And I ultimately feel better afterword. I’m not nearly as afraid to write in my blog now as I was when I first started.
Another great fear of mine is that I will end up homeless. While there is some weight to that thought because of my mental illness, I don’t think it is something to be so afraid of from every possible decision I make. And perhaps I would become stronger if it were to happen. At this point I don’t feel that I would survive it, but if I am honest with myself there really is no way to know unless it happened. Maybe I would overcome it and become stronger for it. Maybe it would kill me. I think what I’m really afraid of is being stuck that way for my whole life. Getting stuck in a situation I can’t escape, and living in hell until the day I die.
I also fear going to jail someday for making a mistake from not knowing something is against the law. This teeters on paranoia though, and I know that my illness has a part to do with this irrational fear. I am a rule-abiding citizen, I don’t frequent political or radical websites, and I don’t voice radical political opinions. This fear is something I don’t know how to get around. I am so afraid of going to jail.
I think I might have to let go of some of my pride and just allow myself to be humiliated. This is a very deep sore spot for me, and I hope that I can work on this with my counsellor to find out the root causes for it.
There was a lot of anxiety I was facing today. More on the side of restlessness, like there’s a void I need to fill. I’m glad I had only a few cigarettes left today, as I probably would have been chain-smoking all day. I don’t know how to describe this restlessness I get, and it’s strange because it can lead to raging anger if I don’t deal with it. I wish I would have thought earlier today to just write in my blog, as it usually calms me down and grounds me a little bit. Any little thing that I feel I need and am not getting turns the anxiety into anger.
Perhaps I need to accept my anger for what it is. Understand that I am mad right now, and that it will pass. It’s almost as if I feel guilty for being angry, like it’s not right to feel that way. Some of the angry thoughts I have are pretty out there though, and I do try to work on talking myself out of unreasonable thoughts. But it is a natural human feeling, and the only real control you have over it is how you react to it. I don’t think I can stop myself from being angry, but I do have the power not to act upon the things I am angry about. If I accept the anger for what it is, and reaction to something I think is unfair, then I can allow myself to ride it out until I find a solution to not allow it to make me angry in the future.
I’m afraid of my feelings, I’ve numbed them out with drugs and alcohol for years. I’ve gotten over the alcohol years ago, but cannabis is ultimately my next hurtle. Dealing with the root causes for these feelings is the only way they can be over and done with.
This effective numbing has left me in a strange place now as I start to feel things again. The anger seems to be coming out first, but now I’m finding it being accompanied by compassion, curiosity, excitement, and at some times even happiness. The happiness is the weirdest one because mostly it just gives me anxiety right now. I’m afraid to truly feel it for what it is, and so the anxiety sets in with that discrepancy between “I feel good” and “I shouldn’t feel good, I haven’t felt good in a long time.”
What’s important to see is that I always get back up, and am stronger every time I do. I’m learning to look past failures, learn from them, and move on or start over.
The last post I did, Evolution and assholes, is a good example of not covering up my mistakes or taking responsibility for them and learning to be better. I was tempted to take it down because it was a fear-response blog post, but I think I will leave it up as a reminder to the dark places I can go. I will leave it up for people to see my stumble and recover from it. I just realized I’ve embarrassed myself to potentially a handful of people. I can learn from this, and maybe anybody reading here can learn from this as well. There is still coming back from your mistakes. Some may not forgive you for those mistakes, but it is your right and prerogative to see the failure and correct it.
I’ve been abused by a stereotype of a person, and I took that anger out in a way that for the time felt like it put me above them. Any contemplative person would be able to see I was speaking out of pain and fear rather then out of love and understanding. I’ve been traumatized by a stereotype of a person, and it’s easy to get so angry about the unfairness of the situation I was in and take it out on anybody sharing the same stereotype. By thinking of them as below me, it takes some of the power they have away temporarily. By acting like they are a detriment to society I give myself a short power trip in saying “what you did to me was wrong, you piece of shit.”
Surely there are better ways to deal with this pain and suffering caused by these people. To let myself go into the grey areas that we as humans truly are a part of. Not to mention being angry and thinking so deeply into it as to try to deconstruct people on an evolutionary level, is really what’s letting those people still have that power over me. Inflating my ego to feel bigger all the time isn’t healthy, and will only lead to a failure when I am truly challenged by an obstacle. Being something and saying you’re something are two different things.
The only thing that I still stand by in that piece of writing is that sometimes a gloated ego is necessary. When you have self-esteem as low as I do, it’s good to explore overcompensating. Only having explored low self-esteem, and inflated self-esteem, can I find the middle ground for where my true, inner self-esteem lies. If I’ve learned anything that I really still believe in, it’s that finding where you belong on a spectrum is key, and only by discovering different places on that spectrum can you find out where you belong.
Lastly, I will mention a comment posted on my evolution and assholes blog post. It was a passive aggressive attack on my thinking. It seems I must have offended them on a certain level, I’m guessing they’ve dealt with self-appraising, gloating type people before and I hit a nerve strong enough for them to say something about it. This is only my take on the situation, a guess at what was really going on between us. I hope that she would be brave enough to let bygones-be-bygones and talk to me about what really it was that bothered her so much.
At first I was very angry about the comment. I felt like they were breaking down the work I am putting into become a better person, not recognizing that I’m not perfect yet and that I am still learning better techniques to deal with my issues. So far I only know what’s been taught by my parents, and while some things were very healthy for me, some were also detrimental to my success and becoming a better person. I am no longer my parents, I can choose who I want to be. It’s just hard to explain to people that I’ve only got what I’ve got right now, my parents teachings. I’m learning new ways of dealing with life, and I find new things to practise all the time. The thing is I’m just not there yet. I’m relatively new to this becoming a stronger version of myself. I’ve overcome a lot of shitty things about myself but there are still so many more to work on. Sometimes I’m still going to fuck up. Sometimes I’m going to use the wrong strategy. The only thing I can do is move on and do better the next time around.
So with that said, I apologize Kirsty if I offended you or made you angry or touched a nerve. I apologize for my quip back, if I could take it back I would but I can’t and now I must live with it. And I thank you for your comment, as it has allowed me to grow. It hurt me at first, but I am stronger then I was when I first read it. The pain it inflicted has healed over and I see now more value in you pointing out some of my flaws. I hope we can remain civil with each other, and we are stronger as a community then as we are divided. Peace and love to you Kirsty.