Lonesome

I want a friend. A person who I can spend time with and share experiences with. A regular friend that I can see more then once a month. I don’t even get to spend time with my girlfriend for most of the week because of our circumstances. A partner and a friend are two different things though and what I really need is a buddy.

It will be around 4 years now that I’ve been without a friend. Entering my bipolar and exiting the toxic friends I used to have, there just hasn’t been any follow up in finding new people to hang out with. I’ve hardly left the house for the past couple years, I was in recovery for all that time and making friends wasn’t really given any consideration.

There has been a lot of fear of finding friends as well. Having a mental illness makes people leery to get close to you. That’s how I feel anyways. I never want to seem like a needy person to others or like I’m a burden, which made it almost impossible the last couple years to make friends. I did need help and support, and putting that on friends didn’t seem right. Now that I’ve climbed myself a little further out of the hole, I think that maybe it’s time I made some friends.

It’s hard for people to connect when all I know is the challenges I’ve faced. I don’t have any hobbies or interest, mostly I’ve been interested in how the heck I can get better. Probably obsessively. I would like to connect with people in my situation to maybe have something in common, but I don’t feel any sort of connection with people in my situation. I feel quite different then most people.

Where is the other guy who has bipolar, is working hard on recovery, though slowly, who is keen on starting a business and improving themselves. Where’s the guy who is sensitive on the weird level that I am. Secure in their sensitivity I suppose. Sensitive in a masculine way. Now that I think about it, that guy is probably hard to find for most people.

I find most guys are either so sensitive that they allow the world to happen to them, or they are so insensitive that it’s like their heart is made of coal. Where’s the guys who show their vulnerabilities, but at the same time work on them and strengthen those vulnerabilities? Where have all the cowboys gone? HA! Sorry I had to.

I feel some sort of connection with my brother, but he’s got his own issues and doesn’t let me in most of the time. I have my cousin who I visit once or twice a month, but we just don’t get to see each other enough because of the logistics and our money situation.

I know part of what stops me from having good relationships is because of my relationship with my father. Never really trusting that somebody loves me, or feeling confused about how somebody feels about me. It’s hard for me to believe somebody when they tell me how they actually feel.

What I really miss, even from my toxic friends, is just that feeling that somebody wants to be around me. That I am someone they can count on and trust. That their not hanging out because they feel sorry for me, or because I hounded them to come hang out, but because they honestly just want to come and share some time together.

I miss feeling relaxed in the moment, safe with friends and able to just sit and Be. Some of the greatest memories I have I wasn’t even talking to my friends. I remember just the company being enough, feeling wanted and understood without so many words.

What I really crave is an equal. Somebody who is not in the same place as me, I have nothing against, but our paths just simply are not the same. Somebody who is achieving more in their life, I feel like I’m being dragged along and like they are giving and I am taking. I would like to have somebody who is in the same place, that I can work on things and grow with.

I don’t really know what to do at this point. I suppose I will look into places where I could meet other like-minded individuals. I’m going to a tech-meetup for entrepreneurs in a couple days, and I’m going to force myself to at least try talking to some people. Maybe I will look for other people with mental illness as well that I could possibly connect with.

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2 thoughts on “Lonesome

  1. I’ve never thought of putting myself down as a defence mechanism, and perhaps it’s something I should consider.

    I think because of people I was close to telling me that my progress wasn’t good enough, or even simply not being impressed with how far I’ve come, has made a difference in how much I write about my progress. It’s very hurtful to be proud of something and have somebody shit all over you, and so I think I hold back on the things I’ve progressed on.

    I agree that it can be done only twice as hard. Some days I forget that and wallow in my own depression.

    I do like your phone number idea, although I don’t think I could do that just yet. I have some traumatic things from the past that makes me unable to answer my phone unless it’s somebody I know. I have a vehicle up for sale and I had to put my parents phone number on it just because I’m too afraid to answer random numbers.

    I appreciate your input 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Loneliness is horrible. I went to group therapy. It was high functioning depressives – none of us had social lives, unless they went with the job. I was too busy working to prove that my depression wasn’t affecting my job to even have an external social life.
    I may just be relating what I’ve been through to what you are saying so I could be totally wrong.
    You sound vulnerable. “If I put myself down, other people won’t, or worse, if I put myself down, it won’t hurt as much when other people do.” if you are anything like me, no one can say anything bad that I haven’t already thought of myself during the depths of depression. Therefore, what people think of me is better than I think of myself. Which means that no one can say anything about me that will hurt me more than I’ve hurt myself.
    You also need to realise how well you are doing. At times you fleetingly refer to your progress but then go onto something else. Take a deep breath and truly think about how far you have come.
    It’s great that you realise it takes time. Lots of people think that this is a coping process – it’s not, it’s a living process. There are no quick fixes.
    You can be successful with a mental health condition. The illness just makes it twice as hard.

    Finally, you could get a cheap phone. Put some posters up locally – not giving your name – but say “High functioning depressive would like contact with local people going through the same thing – tel no:
    This way you would have some control by screening people over the phone.

    Best wishes

    Kirsty

    Liked by 1 person

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