Learning, Growing, Persisting

After a weird couple of weeks I thought it might be a good idea to dissect what’s going on and figure it all out. The thing is, I’m feeling better, a lot better then I have for a very long time. I’m on a higher dose of medication now, and it seems to be doing it’s job. That going in hand with the work I do on myself personally, things are slowly getting better.

And I’m starting to rush myself again. I’m starting to spread myself too thin again. I think it’s important for me to take a step back, enjoy the improvements, and do what I can to keep moving forwards.

The last couple of weeks I hit a roadblock. Things were great, I had new opportunities arising, I was hopeful. Then, just out of nowhere, a wave of depression pistol whipped me into submission. I suddenly lost all my motivation, I was tired all day, and generally pissed off about everything. I think it was a couple things that sent me into this depression.

First, the biggest contributor I think was getting a couple bad batches of weed. I’m learning for the thousandth time that I just can’t smoke weed with this illness. While it can do wonders, make me feel relaxed, at peace with myself and generally feel feelings again, it’s just too inconsistent. Some batches make me paranoid, demotivated, grumpy, and numb. It’s hard because it’s really the best and worst reactions I could have to it.

I had some weed butter a couple weeks ago and it made me super paranoid one night. And just generally made me very angry and impatient until it ran out. Then another batch of weed last week that made me crazy tired and unmotivated. I slept for days.

The only way I’m ever going to have consistency in my mood is if I quit smoking pot. Which means it will still be at least a few months before I should really be job hunting.

Secondly, I think that I’m pushing myself a little too hard. I’m feeling better then I was, but I’m still not 100%. And I know I’ll never be 100%, but I have to accept that I can only do what I can do. I thought this increase in mood would be enough to start looking for a job. When I really look at myself I don’t think I’m quite ready yet though. I get so caught up in what other people think and expect of me, that I sometimes forget what my needs and tolerances are.

I’m still not cleaning the house as much as I should, still not exercising or eating right, and I’m still in some negative thinking patterns. I think those things need to be fixed before I even think of getting a job. How can I work if I can’t even take care of my basic necessities?

I will just have to be careful in how I navigate this time for healing. I feel a lot of relief in just deciding to wait a couple more months before I get a job. And while that feels good, I can’t let it keep sliding either. It’s a careful balance of not pushing myself too hard, while also not letting myself stagnate.

I finally got setup with the mental health system a few months ago. I just started seeing a guy from a transitional living program. Basically he’s there to help me learn how to function again. I get him for 2 hours twice a week, which I was amazed by. I have hopes that this program will help me take the next steps.




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