Today the depression really snuck up on me. I’ve been feeling it sort of creeping around for a couple weeks, but today it really hit me.
The restlessness is pretty bad today too. The psychiatrist lowered my dose of medication in hopes of getting rid of the restlessness, and while it is definitely better, there are still days like today where it gets to me.
I don’t know what I want today, I feel like nothing could satisfy me. My girlfriend is coming over later and I’m looking forward to that at least. We can be bored and depressed together so that’s better then being alone.
There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know how to explain it fully. It’s like my brain just sais no to learning or trying to do things that take any sort of effort. To the point that if I try to force it, I get irrationally angry and frustrated. I can’t focus on anything and it drives me up the wall.
This is just a bit of a rant today, expressing things that probably should come out.
I’d like to be writing a book today, or doing some painting. I feel like everything I do will be shitty though, I don’t have the creative flame burning today.
I just can’t do things that regular people can do. It’s so hard to explain, my brain just does not function as it used to. My memory is shit, my focus is nil, and I have no motivation or desire to really do anything. I don’t compute things the way I used to. It’s really quite impossible to tell you how it’s different, but my reality and the way I see things is literally not the same as it used to be. My thinking patterns are not normal. My emotions aren’t normal. I know normal is subjective, but I mean normal for me. And I don’t mean the difference in the thoughts you have as a child and as an adult. I mean wildly different the way I interpret the world as how I used to. I don’t feel like the same person, I feel like there’s a sliver of me left in who I am today.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work again and that really makes me feel useless. And I don’t think people understand that it’s not a choice. I would love to be able to go to work everyday and provide for myself.
I sort of decided that I was going to try to pursue art, as oversaturated as it is, as a means to make money. In a perfect world I would have the focus and attention and motivation to do that. But I can’t bring myself to pick up a pencil and sketchpad even. How am I going to compete against people who do it all day every day, when I struggle to do even a painting a month?
I must still be trying to make my life better or I wouldn’t be writing a blog post. So with all the effort I have, I’m positive about that. I’m still doing the best I can, even if it’s a lousy whine of a blog post.
I think mostly I just need to express that my mind is not working properly. It is a piece of shit right now. Barely able to have a coherent thought. Fuck you brain for fucking yourself up. Stupid idiot. Why can’t you just work properly? Why can’t I learn things beyond a basic understanding? Why do you have to be such a stupid fucking idiot?