Trudging on through another night

I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now. I’m just straight up ranting, I have nothing to offer on this blog sometimes. That really makes me feel worthless. What’s the one thing going on in my life constantly? Mental Illness. It affects every minute of my life, and yet I sit down to write about it and I come up blank. What can I offer you? I’m coping. I’m alive. That’s it. I don’t know what to tell you.

I’m feeling pretty blank right now, emotionally flat and without personality. I don’t really want or crave anything, and yet I feel empty and restless. I’m not thinking about much, I can’t really focus anyways. I would love to come up with some interesting blog idea, but nothing really gets me going. I’m not interested in anything enough to really come up with content.

I wish I was passionate about something, but I’m really not. Even just interested enough to do something a few times a week would be enough. I have no routine, and when people ask me what I do with my time I don’t know what to tell them. Would anybody read a blog about how I pace the house everyday?

I do my best to keep up with writing fiction, but I usually don’t find the motivation to keep at it. Or I overwhelm myself and give up. I do acrylic painting every once in awhile, but that takes up a lot of my brain power, and I often just don’t have the juice to bring out the creativity and learn how to paint.

I just have to say that this is weird. A strange situation in life I never could have planned for growing up. Simply not caring about anything. Not able to learn from disorganized and rapid thinking. I can remember how my brain used to work, and it’s so different to the way it does now. I wish I had the ability to explain it better.

I’m so sick and tired of not knowing if I’m being manic or really thinking clearly. Just as bad I can’t always recognize when I’m depressed and being hard on myself. I don’t know who I should be. Some days I feel like I know myself, but days like today I feel like it’s a stranger in the mirror.

I guess as always the thing that keeps me going is the search for some greater meaning. Losing myself as much as I possibly can in the process of finding inner peace. Looking for business ideas, website and blog ideas, job prospects, inspirational quotes, hobbies, new interests. I never really seem to come up with much, but I sure do spend a lot of time in the pursuit of something better in my life.


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