Failing at life

I need to figure out some of my thoughts, I’m using my blog and writing to try and do that. I’m quite depressed again, and it really came out of nowhere. I was feeling a little better just a month ago. I don’t know if it’s from outside factors, or if it’s just a mood swing from the mental illness. I know I don’t have the motivation to figure out what I’m thinking, I’m basically forcing myself right now.

I went for a side gig for doing some yardwork at somebodies place. It was just an ad I found on craigslist. I don’t want to get into details,  but the short of it is that it went terribly. My brain doesn’t function the way that it used to, and I had a hard time following simple instructions. I messed things up, couldn’t learn easy things, couldn’t remember what I was told and just in general made an idiot of myself. Doing yardwork. The most simple job you could have to do.

I feel pretty stupid after that, and I think it might be affecting me. It’s not even that I care so much about a one time thing, it’s just that it shows that I’m still not competent enough to start working.

I just went through a bout of anger writing about this, and I think I touched on a sore spot. I’m fucking pissed that I can’t do things that other people consider easy. And things that regular people consider challenging, I might as well be trying to fly if I attempt those. It’s frustrating as hell.

What will my life look like if I’m stuck like this? Just an endless stream of being poor and unable to enjoy life? That fucking sucks. There has to be more.

I’m doing whatever I can to deal with the mental illness, but what if I just can’t beat it? I’m not giving up yet. I’ve bought a squat rack, and I’m buying the weights for it at the end of the month. Exercise is supposed to help with mental health, so I’m giving that a go. I’m also slowly working on my diet, although not very successfully, it’s still something I think about. Everyday I’m looking up ways to better my situation. It’s just hard when most of what I find is an echo-chamber of other people who are depressed with no answers on how to get out of it. I see a guy twice a week to help with my mental health.

What if none of it’s enough? What if I’m stuck on disability for the rest of my life? What does that mean about me as a person? What will I be able to take away from life?

Right now I feel pretty hopeless. The main thought going through my mind is that I can’t do this. I can’t work. I can’t acquire skills. I can’t do the things I want to do.

I don’t know where I’m going to pull motivation out of this time. I don’t know what my next silver lining will be. It seems like that’s my life now, clinging onto hope for as long as I can until that hope dies and another new hope begins.

I’m really tired of being so easily confused by things. Life, you are an asshole that can go suck a fucking egg.


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