Well, I’ve realized that I was a little hypomanic when I made the blog post a little while ago about feeling better. I think it was probably the added dose of abilify that sent me up into the clouds for a little bit. The same thing happened when I first started it, lots of energy and motivation that seemed to disappear into thin air. The high was nice I will admit to that, but at the same time it feels like life was just teasing me, giving me a glimpse of how I should be feeling.
I’ve been having pretty bad depression and anhedonia for the past month or so, and an intense writers block because of it. I’ve opened up wordpress several times, and even written a hundred words or so, but I just feel completely empty and blank. On top of that, the passion I was feeling about writing sort of went out the window and I just found myself not even caring to puts the words down.
The total numbness has to be the worst part of depression for me. I don’t feel things very much, other then fear and anxiety and the odd bit of anger. That, and the sense of impending doom, do wonders for making a person feel like giving up and spending a bunch of time browsing useless internet articles.
I think that maybe part of why I’ve been unable to write is the expectations I have for myself, or from anybody who might read this blog. I don’t want to be a broken record when it comes to expressing myself, but I honestly don’t know how to mix it up and make it any more interesting. My life is boring and lacking passion, there’s not a whole lot for me to write about because it’s the same damn thing everyday. I start worrying that I must be a burden on people reading, or they’re just reading because they feel sorry for me, and I clam up. I think what I really want is to be interesting enough to read, and to at least have some kind connection with the readers through the experiences I have. I want to share and be accepted for who I am. There are times when worrying about who’s reading holds me back, especially when I get angry or irrational.
Perhaps I should just write the blog as a journal, and not worry so much about attracting readers. I won’t lie, that little notification that somebody has liked my post feels really good. I think a lot about boring people or sounding like I’m being too whiny or saying the same things over and over. Maybe I need to just express the nothingness though, get it out of me into words. It might be a good idea to take up the mentality that if people don’t like what I write about, they don’t have to read it. Let go of feeling like I want to make a living off of a blog and just write.
The feelings I have are real. The depression is real too. I can only do what I can do, and expecting myself to be some amazing writer with interesting posts every time is ridiculous. If I could just allow myself to bore people, and say to myself that I can’t force anything to work out, then maybe I would allow more freedom for myself to find my creativity.