Mistake

I really fucked myself the other night. I know I’m not supposed to drink, but I did it anyways. I’m paying for it big time now. I haven’t had this much anxiety and fear since before I started the medication. I’ve been having horrible nightmares, waking up every couple hours drenched in sweat.

I feel like such an idiot for drinking. I didn’t know it would make things this bad, but I should have known better and taken better care of myself.

I have a huge amount of fear for what life can throw at a person, mixed with fear of a home invasion. I had a nightmare last night that a big, frightening guy was trying to break into my house. He actually succeeded, came in through a window. I stabbed him with a knife in the neck but it didn’t make him flinch. He pulled out a gun, I ran, he shot me in the back of the head and I woke up practically screaming. It was so vivid and real, there weren’t any weird details to make it seem more like a dream.

I hate the physical symptoms of anxiety and fear that I get in my body. A tightness in the chest, a feeling of lack of breathe, strange tingling in my head, weakness in my limbs. I feel like I could have a psychotic break any second.

I feel a lot of guilt and regret for having alcohol. I created this whole problem for myself. I only drank about 3/4 of a mickey, but that was enough to set me off. Probably because I never drink.

I was hanging out with my cousin when I drank. We had a good time, and it was a good bonding experience while it was happening, it’s just the aftermath that is a big problem.

I don’t know why I’m writing, I don’t really know what else to do with myself. I feel like just writing “I’m afraid” over and over again.

I haven’t been sleeping very well the past four or five days, and that in itself is something that triggers my psychosis. Mixed with the drinking and the nightmares, I’m in for a bad time.

There’s so many things that can go wrong in life. I have to avoid the news and things on reddit because there’s so much tragedy and wrong in the world. I’m afraid of the seemingly limitless things that could go terribly wrong. Regular people have bad things happen to them all the time.

I’m just hanging out in my room today, it’s the only place that feels relatively safe. Even just going outside to have a cigarette is sending me into spirals of fear. I wish I had some ativan to help stifle the anxiety. I wish I had bars on my windows and steels walls and a titanium door. Some days I can face my fears with courage, today is not one of those days.

I don’t understand how other people go on with life without living with fear. Sometimes I just want to shout at people “How are you so fucking calm?!” How can they not see all the things that can and will go wrong? I’m afraid of something happening to the people I love. I don’t get days like this very often, but I wish I was just dead right now. Better to feel nothing at all then go through all this anxiety. I don’t feel suicidal, I just wish I didn’t have to face all of this.

 

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Moving along

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I don’t know where I’m going, or where I will end up. I don’t think any of us do. What’s important is keeping the ball rolling and always looking at the future with wanting eyes. Though the depression still haunts my days and nights, I haven’t given up hope that I can do something with my life.

I face most days with a lot of courage, even if I don’t recognize it in myself. A lot of time is spent thinking about my fears and anxieties. And yet I do my best not to let it control me. Some days I win, some days I don’t, but hope hasn’t left the building yet. I have deep-set fears of people hurting me, torturing me, but I still leave my house alone. I fear that I won’t amount to anything, and yet I spend so much time looking for ways to make my life better.

Right now, for better or worse, I am looking into going back to school for business. I’ve been thinking about it for the past 2 years, and though my fears always seem to keep me from taking the plunge, I haven’t given up. This coming Tuesday, I’m going with my mental health worker to the university to discuss taking a business course. No strings attached, I’m just curious and need some answers. Maybe I won’t go down this avenue, but I feel it is my duty to at least learn all I can about this big decision.

I worry that I won’t be able to pay attention in class. I worry about forgetting everything. And biggest of all I fear being stuck in a room that I can’t escape without major embarrassment. I need to do this though. My soul calls out to me to make a move, and I follow.

Is this just another excitement, a guilty pleasure before I tumble into the darkness again? I really don’t know, but I do know I need change in my life. I need to face my fears and set an example for others who are in similar situations. If anything, this might be the biggest and scariest risk I’ve ever taken. Going to school doesn’t feel like a joke to me.

There’s people I feel I need to help, to inspire, and I can’t do that if I’m letting my fears control me. There’s so much good left to do in this world, I don’t want to take the cowards path of misery and regret.

So yes, I’m scared. I feel the pressure I’m putting on myself. It’s exhilarating in it’s scariness. I went through quite a slump over the past few months, a slump that I feel is only lifted when I have hope and intention for something to happen for the better. The best times of my life over the past couple years have been when I had goals to work towards. When I think about the things I want to do with myself, I feel alive again.

I must tread carefully, so that I don’t fall into a hypo-manic phase where the world is in the palm of my hand. I need to take things as they are and not as how I think they should be. Hope is good, but blind faith in myself can lead to heartbreak. I must continue learning my strengths and weaknesses, and where I can excel and where to hold back.

Is this just another pipe-dream? I don’t know, maybe next week it will be another project I’m working towards. I need that hope though, I need it to fill me up and stomp on the depression. Maybe I’ll never start my own business, but I’ll never know if I don’t try.

A strange poem

Swallow the pain deep down in your chest,

Push all of that sorrow into the fatty pockets of your heart

Where it spreads the poison into your veins.

Crying out is futile, don’t you know that?

When the mule will carry the load, what will you be doing?

You will be the animal too, you of little strength.

They will laugh at you and cringe at your efforts

Have you not learned your place in this world?

 

Woe to you, I respond, listen to my words once and forever;

 

Hark, you of little faith and persistence

Hear me when I say that you shall not give in

Do you not know your own power? Do you have no reason?

Take off the dirty glasses that shadow your face

And see the fruits that the earth has offered you

Taste their sweetness and reflect on your time here.

For what man does not look forward to the meat

That the prison guard offers once a month?

 

The road will be entangled with a great sadness and apathy,

Yes even your own gut will cry out “give me release!”

Let go of the notion of better and of goodness and joy

Put your feet on the ground and walk the path

Use what meager means are yours to open your heart,

So that you may set a place at the table for your brothers

Let the flesh be flayed, and turn the other cheek

Know that for a time, your name will hold value

Tornado

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What’s lost in the commotion of the toiling mind

Does it return to us, a shining gleam of intelligence?

I forget the last time that I was okay, was it last year, was it before?

When it’s all gone out the window, thrown like dirty sheets,

I’m left with a burden to show that I can keep on keeping on.

Where do I go from here, is there hope for me?

Shall I release my grip on trying to lead a normal life?

There are questions, and I seek answers, though find very few.

My request is that I find peace in the eye of the storm.