I don’t know where I’m going, or where I will end up. I don’t think any of us do. What’s important is keeping the ball rolling and always looking at the future with wanting eyes. Though the depression still haunts my days and nights, I haven’t given up hope that I can do something with my life.
I face most days with a lot of courage, even if I don’t recognize it in myself. A lot of time is spent thinking about my fears and anxieties. And yet I do my best not to let it control me. Some days I win, some days I don’t, but hope hasn’t left the building yet. I have deep-set fears of people hurting me, torturing me, but I still leave my house alone. I fear that I won’t amount to anything, and yet I spend so much time looking for ways to make my life better.
Right now, for better or worse, I am looking into going back to school for business. I’ve been thinking about it for the past 2 years, and though my fears always seem to keep me from taking the plunge, I haven’t given up. This coming Tuesday, I’m going with my mental health worker to the university to discuss taking a business course. No strings attached, I’m just curious and need some answers. Maybe I won’t go down this avenue, but I feel it is my duty to at least learn all I can about this big decision.
I worry that I won’t be able to pay attention in class. I worry about forgetting everything. And biggest of all I fear being stuck in a room that I can’t escape without major embarrassment. I need to do this though. My soul calls out to me to make a move, and I follow.
Is this just another excitement, a guilty pleasure before I tumble into the darkness again? I really don’t know, but I do know I need change in my life. I need to face my fears and set an example for others who are in similar situations. If anything, this might be the biggest and scariest risk I’ve ever taken. Going to school doesn’t feel like a joke to me.
There’s people I feel I need to help, to inspire, and I can’t do that if I’m letting my fears control me. There’s so much good left to do in this world, I don’t want to take the cowards path of misery and regret.
So yes, I’m scared. I feel the pressure I’m putting on myself. It’s exhilarating in it’s scariness. I went through quite a slump over the past few months, a slump that I feel is only lifted when I have hope and intention for something to happen for the better. The best times of my life over the past couple years have been when I had goals to work towards. When I think about the things I want to do with myself, I feel alive again.
I must tread carefully, so that I don’t fall into a hypo-manic phase where the world is in the palm of my hand. I need to take things as they are and not as how I think they should be. Hope is good, but blind faith in myself can lead to heartbreak. I must continue learning my strengths and weaknesses, and where I can excel and where to hold back.
Is this just another pipe-dream? I don’t know, maybe next week it will be another project I’m working towards. I need that hope though, I need it to fill me up and stomp on the depression. Maybe I’ll never start my own business, but I’ll never know if I don’t try.