Mistake

I really fucked myself the other night. I know I’m not supposed to drink, but I did it anyways. I’m paying for it big time now. I haven’t had this much anxiety and fear since before I started the medication. I’ve been having horrible nightmares, waking up every couple hours drenched in sweat.

I feel like such an idiot for drinking. I didn’t know it would make things this bad, but I should have known better and taken better care of myself.

I have a huge amount of fear for what life can throw at a person, mixed with fear of a home invasion. I had a nightmare last night that a big, frightening guy was trying to break into my house. He actually succeeded, came in through a window. I stabbed him with a knife in the neck but it didn’t make him flinch. He pulled out a gun, I ran, he shot me in the back of the head and I woke up practically screaming. It was so vivid and real, there weren’t any weird details to make it seem more like a dream.

I hate the physical symptoms of anxiety and fear that I get in my body. A tightness in the chest, a feeling of lack of breathe, strange tingling in my head, weakness in my limbs. I feel like I could have a psychotic break any second.

I feel a lot of guilt and regret for having alcohol. I created this whole problem for myself. I only drank about 3/4 of a mickey, but that was enough to set me off. Probably because I never drink.

I was hanging out with my cousin when I drank. We had a good time, and it was a good bonding experience while it was happening, it’s just the aftermath that is a big problem.

I don’t know why I’m writing, I don’t really know what else to do with myself. I feel like just writing “I’m afraid” over and over again.

I haven’t been sleeping very well the past four or five days, and that in itself is something that triggers my psychosis. Mixed with the drinking and the nightmares, I’m in for a bad time.

There’s so many things that can go wrong in life. I have to avoid the news and things on reddit because there’s so much tragedy and wrong in the world. I’m afraid of the seemingly limitless things that could go terribly wrong. Regular people have bad things happen to them all the time.

I’m just hanging out in my room today, it’s the only place that feels relatively safe. Even just going outside to have a cigarette is sending me into spirals of fear. I wish I had some ativan to help stifle the anxiety. I wish I had bars on my windows and steels walls and a titanium door. Some days I can face my fears with courage, today is not one of those days.

I don’t understand how other people go on with life without living with fear. Sometimes I just want to shout at people “How are you so fucking calm?!” How can they not see all the things that can and will go wrong? I’m afraid of something happening to the people I love. I don’t get days like this very often, but I wish I was just dead right now. Better to feel nothing at all then go through all this anxiety. I don’t feel suicidal, I just wish I didn’t have to face all of this.

 

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