Anxious Progress

The anxiety is strong tonight. I’m making progress towards my goals and I think that scares me a lot. It’s only with courage that I can keep pushing my boundaries and learning who I am as a person. I’ve overcome so much, and now that I’m hitting another roadblock I need to put my courage in overdrive.

Things are about to get slightly more serious in my pursuit of going to university. I’m picking up my highschool transcript tomorrow. I’m setting up an appointment with the academic adviser at the university. I’ve prepared a bunch of questions I need answered.

I have so much fear about all of this. I don’t know what I’m even so afraid of. Failure? Sure, but that shouldn’t be affecting me so much considering the way that I think about things nowadays. Maybe it’s a fear of change. I really don’t know what it is deep down that makes me want to hide out in my room and not talk to anybody. All I know is that it’s a daily challenge for me to face things and that for the most part I’m making progress.

My mental health worker is helping me on my journey and that takes a lot of the fear away. It’s good to have support. My family and my girlfriend have been very supportive of my endeavors, and for that I am so thankful. I don’t know that I would be where I am now if it wasn’t for the people I’m surrounded by.

Even with all this support, and my drive to challenge my illness, my goals still scare the shit out of me. The course I want to take is hard enough without having a mental illness and heavy anxiety. Neurotypical people get weeded out of this course in high numbers. The nervous part of me says how can I even have a chance? The strong part of me says I have a chance with my drive, my passion to succeed, my need for meaning in my life, and my desire to inspire others to pursue challenging life goals. It’s a strange feeling to have to sides of my brain fighting with each other.

I have hope that keeping marijuana and alcohol out of my life will help in improving my feelings and insecurities. I know that cannabis can cause anxiety and it’s only been 9 days since I’ve been off of it. I just need to give my brain more time to rewire itself closer to normal. I’m proud of myself for the small amount of time I’ve been away from weed though, it’s the longest time in almost a year that I’ve been without it. I weaned myself down to using it only once a week for the past couple months, and decided to go cold turkey on January 1st. My head already feels much clearer, although the resulting headaches have been really hard to deal with. Also I think I’ve been fighting getting sick for the past couple weeks so that doesn’t make any of this any easier. Sleep has been utterly horrible as well.

I’m in a much better place then I was about a year ago. I still suffer from depression, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was before. I think not feeling completely hopeless is helping to lift the numbness I usually feel. My motivation is still quite low, but I have hope that it will improve in the coming months. My irrational thinking is a lot more sparse then it was before, and every month I think I get a little closer to having normal thoughts. I think it can be hard to notice the differences because they are so subtle and slow in their process. It’s only by thinking about a year or two or three in the past that I can really see the difference. Month by month the changes aren’t as noticeable.

There’s hope as well that improving my diet and exercise will help with the way that I feel. Getting better sleeping habits will for sure make a difference too. It’s all sort of intermingled, the more I work on one thing the easier another becomes. So I just sort of fight my through all of this and slowly make progress. I think after being off of cannabis for 6+ months will be like rocket fuel to all the other things I’m trying to change and improve.


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