I never left completely

Oh god why I am so afraid

To tap into the breathing of my lungs

And see that they are not functional

 

When I shy from you

I do not understand it

Why can’t I pray?

 

Where does my heart go

What has blackened my vision

So that all I sense is fear

 

Lord although I need you

Still I am anxious

To be free in my expression

 

Release me from this cell

Comfort my aches

So that I may be whole

Hope in fear

Some days

I do not know

What to do with myself

Because I have not

Felt this good

For awhile

*

I am lost

As to where to

Direct my attention

*

I have fear

Of loss of control

Losing myself to pain

And of moving backwards

To the slump I was in

Only yesterday

*

I try to

Have courage

Through the anxiety

*

I hope

That this high

Lasts for some time

So that I may enjoy

The soothing

Comfort

Haunted

The specters are cloaked in blackness

Haunting the corners of my bedroom

I have not slept there for a month

Instead I rest on the couch in the spare room where it feels safe

A man my age should not be afraid of such things

Yet the feeling that I am experiencing is strong and inescapable

Is it a form of psychosis?

Truly I cannot tell the difference between madness and evil presence

 

Some nights I can muster the courage to face my demons

Will I lay in my own bed tonight?

The sofa brings aches and pains

I know I must grow out of this fear

But it’s hard to fight things I cannot see or touch

 

I go through periods of strength

I am not always afraid of spirits

Maybe it is the change I am going through that brings agitation

The terror I have in facing life manifest as a dark force

If only I knew the answer

Then a solution may be had

 

Some nights prayer is the only light that saves me from distress

Holding a bible close by is like putting on a suit of armor

Perhaps my faith seeking mother can say a blessing over my room

To keep the wraiths from staying there

 

I only wish I didn’t feel so alone

On nights that my Love is with me the fear vanishes

I feel at peace with her by my side

And when company spends time with me

I am distracted and feel warmth in my home

 

It is really the cold emptiness that most scares me

I am stuck in the room with nothing but air

What else is cold and empty?

Dead things are

And if I am honest

When I am so alone

All I can sense is death

Is it my own mortality that I am so afraid of?

I think not

It is fear of fear itself that sends me into a panic

How can I brighten up my resting place so that it feels full of life?

If only I knew

Fear and motivation

I’m Anxious

I Drank too much coffee

*

Cigarettes

Are giving me heartburn

*

Confused

Because I’m in a mixed state

*

Goals and fear

Clashing in my head

*

Music soothes

Writing brings me back to life

*

The evil one

He knocks on my glass door

*

Armor protects

Yeah Lord your holy armor

*

Nowhere to hide

I must face this once again

*

Two in the morning

My mind’s doing five hundred

*

God

Help me

Prayer for your return

Lord I’m coming undone

Surely I am not at peace

Why has this befallen me?

*

Where did my smile go?

The happiness I felt yesterday

Is it gone like the wind?

*

Have I overstimulated myself?

I feel like it’s all too much

Perhaps I need to sleep

*

But how do I escape this paradox?

I cannot sleep because I am anxious

And I am anxious because I do not sleep

*

I need you Lord

Oh god I need you so much

Where have you gone?

*

Return to me swiftly

Please I am asking you

To bring your Love to me

Attention seeker

Seeking regard

From strangers who

I have never met

Is my ecstasy

*

A strange addiction

That may get me

Into trouble when

The attention ends

*

Loneliness cuts deep

Into my heart when

I should be sleeping but

Instead I lay awake

*

So I write out my

Anxieties and

The things that I

am afraid of

*

Hoping for just one

More person to

Gaze in my direction and

Give me that rush

Anxious tonight

Knowledge of the future

If forthright I would have no fear

But it is not

So I will have courage

*

I will count on you Lord

To see me through the darkness

Lift my spirits

For I need you now

*

I’m infatuated

Yes Love is the answer

So hold me tight

*

I’m tired and slogged

And choking on my tears

My soul tortured

Night and day

*

Reassure me

Step into my mind

And stomp fear

With Love