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“I am Harbinger, I am Death”

Says the man dressed in black

“I am Lucifer, I am Beelzebub”

His voice is booming over the sea

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My ship is small

The wind threatens to overthrow me

I hide in the cabin

And pray for steady waters

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“I am Amon, I am Balaam”

The man dressed in black sits on my stern

“I am Shiva, I am behemoth”

“You will surely die this day”

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I do not know my fate

I never left completely

Oh god why I am so afraid

To tap into the breathing of my lungs

And see that they are not functional

 

When I shy from you

I do not understand it

Why can’t I pray?

 

Where does my heart go

What has blackened my vision

So that all I sense is fear

 

Lord although I need you

Still I am anxious

To be free in my expression

 

Release me from this cell

Comfort my aches

So that I may be whole

Scheming

How far can I push the beams that support?

Before they collapse under the strain of holding me up?

I pray that I may prove myself worthy

That my visions for the future do not seem faulty

Many times have I fallen

How can they stay here to watch me rise once again?

What is in my eyes that holds them so close?

I stand where I must

And lay down when I am sleepy

She is there to share my bed with me

Does she know I will not stop trying?

If so, does she really believe it?

Fear is my foe tonight

Loss is in the back of my mind

I do not know what I would do without Love

Will she continue to offer it to me?

Or have I schemed too many times?

Haunted

The specters are cloaked in blackness

Haunting the corners of my bedroom

I have not slept there for a month

Instead I rest on the couch in the spare room where it feels safe

A man my age should not be afraid of such things

Yet the feeling that I am experiencing is strong and inescapable

Is it a form of psychosis?

Truly I cannot tell the difference between madness and evil presence

 

Some nights I can muster the courage to face my demons

Will I lay in my own bed tonight?

The sofa brings aches and pains

I know I must grow out of this fear

But it’s hard to fight things I cannot see or touch

 

I go through periods of strength

I am not always afraid of spirits

Maybe it is the change I am going through that brings agitation

The terror I have in facing life manifest as a dark force

If only I knew the answer

Then a solution may be had

 

Some nights prayer is the only light that saves me from distress

Holding a bible close by is like putting on a suit of armor

Perhaps my faith seeking mother can say a blessing over my room

To keep the wraiths from staying there

 

I only wish I didn’t feel so alone

On nights that my Love is with me the fear vanishes

I feel at peace with her by my side

And when company spends time with me

I am distracted and feel warmth in my home

 

It is really the cold emptiness that most scares me

I am stuck in the room with nothing but air

What else is cold and empty?

Dead things are

And if I am honest

When I am so alone

All I can sense is death

Is it my own mortality that I am so afraid of?

I think not

It is fear of fear itself that sends me into a panic

How can I brighten up my resting place so that it feels full of life?

If only I knew

Fear and motivation

I’m Anxious

I Drank too much coffee

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Cigarettes

Are giving me heartburn

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Confused

Because I’m in a mixed state

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Goals and fear

Clashing in my head

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Music soothes

Writing brings me back to life

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The evil one

He knocks on my glass door

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Armor protects

Yeah Lord your holy armor

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Nowhere to hide

I must face this once again

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Two in the morning

My mind’s doing five hundred

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God

Help me

Anxious tonight

Knowledge of the future

If forthright I would have no fear

But it is not

So I will have courage

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I will count on you Lord

To see me through the darkness

Lift my spirits

For I need you now

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I’m infatuated

Yes Love is the answer

So hold me tight

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I’m tired and slogged

And choking on my tears

My soul tortured

Night and day

*

Reassure me

Step into my mind

And stomp fear

With Love