Hazy

Lord if you hear me

And if you are kind

I could use a little comfort

To ease my mind

I’m happy with progress

And the way that things are

But there’s still a black surface

Resting under the scar

I’m not the same person

Inside and out

Some things are better

Others bring doubt

I ask that you lift me

Up out of this haze

Give my life purpose

And show me your ways

 

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We are loved

Written in the blackest swells of my brain

The words of ugly, the verses of shame

No matter the piety of the frontal lobes

I cannot dispel the distortion and disparity

Yes we are flawed, oh Lord

 

Skim through the pages of sin

And find that there are many

Wade through the puke and the spit

To find my soul tangled with snakes

Yes we are lost, oh Lord

 

Underneath the filth rests faith

Sputtering and choked by circumstance

Craving release when I am overwhelmed

Only to be suffocated when I am well

Yes we are proud, oh Lord

 

I know that I am forgiven

I know that I am loved

Bad night

God be with me and stay with me

Keep me company through this trial

The evildoer threatens me

Even enticing me with poetic words

He is so close that he nearly invades my prayer

Keep my words simple and true

Let me talk to you with my heart

And only through your own love

Give my words power

I have not spoken out loud to you

In a very long time

But tonight I am so afraid

That I called upon you with my mouth

Keep me safe and sane

Oh God I am so afraid

Be with me

Please forgive me

I have brought evil on myself

And allowed it to enter my home

My breathing is shallow

And my chest hurts

My head is thumping

And my limbs are weak

Oh Lord stay with me

Please do not leave my side

Use your power to protect me

Listen to my prayer

I never left completely

Oh god why I am so afraid

To tap into the breathing of my lungs

And see that they are not functional

 

When I shy from you

I do not understand it

Why can’t I pray?

 

Where does my heart go

What has blackened my vision

So that all I sense is fear

 

Lord although I need you

Still I am anxious

To be free in my expression

 

Release me from this cell

Comfort my aches

So that I may be whole

Castle

I’m building the foundations for my castle

With stones that I carved from experience

Some are tainted with blood

Other’s are blessed by holy water

The Devil waits on the outskirts

Offering his hand when I am overburdened

I do not lie when I say that sometimes I accept

And when I do my mind wanders into dark forests

That are full of wolves and snakes of no earthly presence

 

Us

Lord give me the words that they need

Show me how to lead others to better lives

I ask you shape me into your hands that work

And give me the strength to endure

For surely they will ridicule me in my compassion

They will stomp down my persistence and faith in them

So show me how to believe in myself

If only that I may build them up and offer them peace

I am yours to do your will

I offer my life to you so that I may do what is right

I feel joy when you use me for greater things

It lifts my spirits and makes me feel worthy

Help me prove to them that I am not crazy

That I have discovered myself through you

And help me stay grounded

Avoiding the temptations of looking too deeply into things

To just be who I know you created me to be

Purpose

Got I am grateful

For the life I have been offered

I have cursed you so many times

Forgetting what others struggle with

Truly you have blessed me

And given me the things I have needed

Perhaps you allowed me to go through hard times

If only to teach me just how much you gave me

I ask for forgiveness for my arrogance and greed

Though the road is more treacherous now

I will keep walking in faith

Praising you for allowing me to experience my time here

I allowed demons into my life

And I must keep them on a leash everyday now

So I will put on your armor

And pray that I will be protected from evil

Please help my brothers and sisters who are suffering

They need you

I will try to do my part in lifting them up

For that is your work that you would have me do

And I see now that you blessed me for a a greater purpose

To share my compassion with the earth

I am so sorry I couldn’t see that before

And I thank you for showing me the way