Heavy

I do my best to carry my own weight

Leaving my whole body shaking and sore

Heart raw from straining and flexing

 

Gravity pulls hard

With little time for rest

I gasp for oxygen

 

Until I lose my breath and stumble

The heaviness shifting and starting to fall

Threatening to pull me under again

 

She embraces me

Whispering love

 

So that I am able to steady my walk

Squaring my shoulders under the burden

Reassured in my precarious footing

 

She ignites flames

That illuminate my soul

So that I may move

 

The dark and heavy are challenging

But her will to see me through is my revival

Humbling me on my road to survival

Love doesn’t die

I couldn’t write a beautiful last word

A poem for those that I love

If I tried

The verse would do no justice

To the experience of life and all that it is

How can love be portrayed with pretty letters

What unworthy things words are

To human emotion

Only if you read between the lines

Could you find the spirit that lies within me

And your memories, sweet memories

Are what would serve

As my voice and expression of heart

You know that I believe in love and kindness

The beating in my chest is deep for you

And though I am fractured

My soul is what you recognize behind

The changes I’ve gone through in my mind

Be happy, have joy and peace in life

Take care of each other

And know that if you pray

I will always be there listening to you

I will see all of you again

–Note– This isn’t a suicide note or anything. I’m just having a lot of delusions about dying in my sleep tonight after pushing myself too hard over the past couple days. I know that I will probably see tomorrow, but the irrational part of me says I need to leave a message for my loved ones in case I don’t wake up.

Presence

If dancers were wild could we capture their soul

Tie ropes ’round ankles and put them on display

Would they still have the heart to move like the wind

Or would they simply lose spirit and fade away

Could we steal a kiss from two lovers at night

And store it in a bottle made of sapphire and gold

Would it still hold the passion of the lovers embrace

Or would it crumble and die when we took off the lid

Human expression is not something to handle

To fondle and ravage like a toy or a doll

We are what we are and that’s what makes us unique

So be present when love comes knocking on your door

Bad night

God be with me and stay with me

Keep me company through this trial

The evildoer threatens me

Even enticing me with poetic words

He is so close that he nearly invades my prayer

Keep my words simple and true

Let me talk to you with my heart

And only through your own love

Give my words power

I have not spoken out loud to you

In a very long time

But tonight I am so afraid

That I called upon you with my mouth

Keep me safe and sane

Oh God I am so afraid

Be with me

Please forgive me

I have brought evil on myself

And allowed it to enter my home

My breathing is shallow

And my chest hurts

My head is thumping

And my limbs are weak

Oh Lord stay with me

Please do not leave my side

Use your power to protect me

Listen to my prayer

I never left completely

Oh god why I am so afraid

To tap into the breathing of my lungs

And see that they are not functional

 

When I shy from you

I do not understand it

Why can’t I pray?

 

Where does my heart go

What has blackened my vision

So that all I sense is fear

 

Lord although I need you

Still I am anxious

To be free in my expression

 

Release me from this cell

Comfort my aches

So that I may be whole