Heavy

I do my best to carry my own weight

Leaving my whole body shaking and sore

Heart raw from straining and flexing

 

Gravity pulls hard

With little time for rest

I gasp for oxygen

 

Until I lose my breath and stumble

The heaviness shifting and starting to fall

Threatening to pull me under again

 

She embraces me

Whispering love

 

So that I am able to steady my walk

Squaring my shoulders under the burden

Reassured in my precarious footing

 

She ignites flames

That illuminate my soul

So that I may move

 

The dark and heavy are challenging

But her will to see me through is my revival

Humbling me on my road to survival

Stronger than life

Welts are growing on my chin

Scabs are glazing under the muscle

Deep impacts from the knife

Scar tissue

When it all breaks

I lean on my mistakes

Cause I can come alive

Love will break the chains

I’m invincible

My legs are throbbing

From the battle

Swords are heavy

So I use my fists instead

Bashing life’s head in

Feels more satisfying anyways

I have a few words to share

With the demons that haunt me:

Kiss my ass

A simple prayer

Lord grant me courage

To face the challenges

That I have set for myself

*

Don’t let me fall

Into the depths of despair

Where I will surely stay

*

I have not come this far

To only give in

*

Whisper strength into my soul

Tease me with thoughts of success

And keep me on my toes

*

Set a righteous path for me

Mend my broken mind

Treat me to your forgiving heart

*

I am weak and lowly

So allow me to repent

Persistance

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I’m starting to feel the dreadful feelings again, like I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m destined to fail. This is common for me when I get excited about something. This time, it’s feelings about writing a blog.

I’m using a great deal of strength to try to focus on drilling away on a blog. I’ve been reading about what makes a blog successful, and realizing what I’m missing. Instead of falling down and giving up, I’m just going to try to listen to what I’m hearing and take it into account.

My biggest trouble is how to make this blog interesting, unique, new, useful. I have no idea how to be unique, or how to talk about a subject with a new point of view.

I’m forcing myself to think about the fact that I have already looked at some blogs, and mine isn’t necessarily the same as anybody yet.

It’s important for me to remember that I will develop as I continue to work on the site. I’m still quite new to this, and it’s going to take some time to really improve myself.

There’s also the struggle of me not having any real interests or hobbies. I don’t have a lot to write about, I don’t do much because of the depression. I don’t feel like I have anything to share that would be useful. Really the only thing I’m going on is how to cope with mental illness, and I feel there’s already so much information out there on this. I don’t have a cure for depression or any mental illnesses, I just cope with it on a daily basis. I don’t know if the things that have helped me are things everybody already knows.

I’m just very frustrated right now. I know I would like to write a successful blog. I’m pretty sure I would like it to be about mental illness, because it’s the only thing I really have experience with.

The feelings of failure are also being combated by a sense of enjoyment. I’m trying to let myself relax, and enjoy the process of building a blog.

Okay, here it comes, now I’m pissed. Frustrated, stuck. That’s okay though, because I don’t feel like giving up yet.