The depression is lifting slowly but surely, every week it seems I notice myself not feeling so down like I was. I’m afraid to even say that out loud, it doesn’t feel right to say I’m feeling better. I don’t think I trust that it will last, and it feels silly to announce that things are getting better right before they get worse. I think it’s good for me to write about it anyways though. Then it’s a thought that can be dealt and done with.
I have a strange feeling going on. I think the numbness I’ve been feeling is starting to have little cracks that let my emotions come out in little bursts. And these feelings are confusing because I haven’t felt them in so long. I think the weirdest one is happiness. I think I’ve actually been feeling happy, just for small glimpses of time. I didn’t recognize what it was at first, and it even physically made my stomach feel very weird. Even now I can’t totally connect the body feelings with happiness.
I’m afraid to connect with my happiness. I think that I don’t trust it. I’m afraid of it and I don’t exactly know why. Perhaps it’s that I’m worried it will be snatched away from me. I feel that there’s more to it then that. Some sort of shame or guilt, like I don’t deserve to feel happy. Actually just saying that brings out a visceral feeling that tells me there’s more to this.
I think that I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy because of all of the burden I’ve put on loved ones. The angry outbursts have hurt relationships, and the lack of employment means I’ve been getting financial support too.
I think I haven’t been able to think about this yet because of the anger I felt at the people I love. Things that weren’t right from my childhood, or even things recently that hurt me. I don’t know how to deal with being angry at someone, and also feeling like you need to apologize for things or make things right again.
How the fuck do you bring those two things together, being angry at somebody and also feeling guilty about things. I guess vengeance doesn’t really make you feel better because I don’t feel better having hurt them back. It doesn’t just even out, you can’t make up for somebodies hurt they’ve done to you by hurting them back. Instead you end up with this funny feeling that can at times enrage you in frustration.
Perhaps the first step in making some sense out of this is admitting to myself that I feel bad for how I treated my loved ones. I feel bad for being a burden on them and for them having to have dealt with my psychosis episodes. I also feel mad that they didn’t deal with me better during those times. So what does that all mean?
I’m angry but I feel bad about my actions. I think some of the frustration, anger, confusion and general bad feelings come from feeling like it sais what they did was okay if I apologize. That it will mean that the things they did were justified by the actions of mine. That doesn’t really make sense when I say it out loud though.
I also worry that if I try to make things better with them that they will think they can continue treating me the ways that they have. I don’t know how to make it known and firm that I won’t accept being treated that way, even if I’m sorry for my actions.
I’ve been afraid to admit all of this, or to think into it too much. I think the anger was just too much and I couldn’t handle it before. It was a sore spot that I was avoiding going near. I read recently that people with Asperger’s syndrome have a hard time differentiating between emotions and that confusion of feelings can lead to a default feeling of anger. That’s sort of how I feel, like I couldn’t figure out my emotions about this subject because it was such a sore spot, and that it led to anger as the default emotion because it’s easy to feel and understand. It’s a lot easier to explain that I’m really fucking mad then it is to think about why I don’t want to apologize for my actions.
I’m glad I decided to write today, I figured some things out for myself that I hadn’t been able to before.