Casket of Silence

The casters are sliding

Slipping across the concrete

A scratching cacophony

Careening out of control

I cannot catch the corners

Crisp and light in my fingertips

With carefulness I can guide

But I can’t contain it’s slithering

So I stir up courage

And hope the cancer does not sustain

Caressing my stillness

Steering across cracks in the floor

That counter it’s succinct complexity

I am stolen into complacency

I am not sober

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A broke Joke

My depression is strong

My road is long

My heart is tired

My feelings is tired

Yeah I’m fuckin’ broke

Just wanna live my life

Fuck all this strife

Escape to the skies

My head’s in the skies

Yeah I’m a fuckin’ joke

Been waiting for better

Fuck all this bad weather

I’m choking on tears

Livin’ in my fears

Drifting on by

Drifting on by

Yeah I’m fuckin’ broke

Don’t be like me

Make that your decree

My hope is gone

My motivation is gone

Yeah I’m a fuckin’ joke

Six Pack

Touching the sickle tonight

I hope I do not bleed too deep

Forgive me for being weak

I guess I’m not done falling down

 

I have not tasted honey in months

It is soothing and robust

If only I were stronger

I would not be in this position

 

Watching the fizzle on the bottle

Reminds me of older days

When I did not have a handle on it

I will not continue this for months

 

I know in moderation I am safe

But it does not take the sting away

From knowing that I am not done healing

Soberly, and without numbing myself

 

The pain is greater tonight then I expected

I was not prepared for this jostling of heart

Maybe next time I will remind myself first

That it does not fix a single thing

 

But for now I will enjoy myself

Taking gentle sips with a smile

It’s only for tonight I tell myself

Can I keep that promise true?

 

I think that I can

I only touch the brew once in a blue moon

And I am avoiding the harsh spirits

The ones that bring anxiety

 

Forgiving myself will be hard tomorrow

But I have not bought enough for a headache

Only my pride will hurt come morning

When I have to check off day one

 

To those who partake on weekends

This may seem like blown proportions

But I take it very seriously

That I bought a six pack tonight

Too eager

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Abstract by OurDepression

 

I cannot contain myself

Years of neglecting patience

Has turned me into a foolish painter

I am seeking the instant thrill

The gratification that costs me nothing

 

I would like to be able to focus

A deliberate brushstroke escapes me

Rushing to get an outcome

I forget about the process

Containing myself feels impossible

 

Is it my illness that blocks my abilities?

Or have I simply forgotten how to concentrate?

Frustration grows quickly inside of me

And before long the soft bird I was creating

Becomes a frantic piece of abstract

 

I hope that one day I can relax

Lose myself in the art of making

Most I fear I will never calm down

Because of fear of not being aware of surroundings

Does my post trauma disallow me to cope?

 

I will not give up so easily

My next artwork will be different

Perhaps it will end up a smearing of colors again

But before that happens I will try hard

To put all of my effort into succeeding

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Abstract by OurDepression

The man that I am

Letting go of the addiction to numbness

Means accepting emotions long left underneath

Fluttering in and out in swarms

Forgotten hurt floats to the surface

I am reminded today that I feel worthless

A slithering darkness is showing through

 

Forgive me for my self pity

But I must ask why I was made this way

So sensitive and fragile and loving

Not attuned to the competition of life

I try to define my own masculinity

But any beauty I behold is not seen

 

What world do I fit into?

Who could look up to me with pride?

I am nothingness, emptiness

A bottle that holds no message

 

I am tender, I am gentle

I seek love and understanding

 

Traits not wanted

Traits not desired

I am trampled for seeking Love

I am trampled for sharing Love

 

And though I complain of pain and sorrows

I cannot change the heart that beats inside

 

I am the man that I am

 

I can only hope to influence others

To be the people I need them to be

The people we all need them to be

Because we are all hurting inside

 

There are not enough men with kind hearts

There is not enough understanding in this life

With confidence in my strength through Love

I may mentor those who are lost along the way

 

I can foresee a gathering of brothers and sisters

Who are open to their vulnerability

An evolution of minds and spirits

A reforming of our human nature

 

Perhaps I will lose some things along the way

Perhaps my vision will not be seen

I must carry on with my callings

I must carry on through the hurt

 

Because I am the man that I am

Off the deep end

Hypo-mania, the liar

An embarrassing high

I make promises that I cannot keep

I do believe in dreaming

But dreams should be sought after with stability

I must make work of my ideas

In a way that is not harmful to self

How can I fight an invisible force?

With courage and hope no doubt

Giving up is not an option

Moving forwards is the only answer

But how do I draw the line

Between false hope and good ideas?

Perhaps I will always be stuck here

In purgatory of instability

I do not want to lose fulfillment

I can make light of the situation

Enjoy the time I am given here

Appreciate those that I love

And try to seek good mental health

Love, Falter, Rise

My most expressive moments

Are lived in my greatest struggles

Is that not beautiful?

*

Can I not take comfort

In the moments as they pass

Encapsulated in pain?

*

It is a good fight

No, it is not a noble brawl

But rather a battle for my spoils

Shall I not collect them

When my opponent

Has fallen again?

*

Withered

Scraped clean

By sharp boulders

Flesh is exposed anew

Only to heal as scars

Strong as iron

*

A new man

Born out of fire

Powerful

*

Love

Falter

Rise

Scheming

How far can I push the beams that support?

Before they collapse under the strain of holding me up?

I pray that I may prove myself worthy

That my visions for the future do not seem faulty

Many times have I fallen

How can they stay here to watch me rise once again?

What is in my eyes that holds them so close?

I stand where I must

And lay down when I am sleepy

She is there to share my bed with me

Does she know I will not stop trying?

If so, does she really believe it?

Fear is my foe tonight

Loss is in the back of my mind

I do not know what I would do without Love

Will she continue to offer it to me?

Or have I schemed too many times?

Alive

Taking risks will encourage ambitions

Treacherous paths are life changing

Pursuit of fulfillment is frightening indeed

 

It is important to seek personal growth through hardship

Facing fear with a sturdy grip on the ground

Through repeated failure success is born

 

The coal, while under pressure, becomes the diamond

I am ready to commit to dreams that are dangerous

With an even temperament for unjust circumstance

 

Falling is necessary

Hurt is necessary

 

So I will do what my heart tells me to do

Living life to the fullest that I may

Eyes firmly planted on horizons where dreams are made

 

And though I may change my path over time

There is no right way to go about this

It is only learning and correcting

 

Love firmly without restraint

Follow the drums that beat in your chest

And travel to the farthest places you may reach

Solitude weeps

In my solitude I found myself gnashing my teeth

Frustration and depression seething inside of me

I am lifted up by the support of one who understands

Whose laughter and common traits bring me happiness

 

It is those most close to us who we sometimes rely on for tranquility

Who motivate us to become robust in the face of trepidation

They are our guiding light through darkness

Their spirits inspiring us to look at life with eyes refreshed

 

When I am alone I am most vulnerable

To insidious thoughts that overtake

I must reach out to others when I am low

For it is gainful to have strong friendships

 

Like minded individuals are our mirror

To see our strengths and our weaknesses

So that we can build each other up high

Reaching the heavens with our bonds

 

I am lucky to have met those who appreciate me

Whose gentle utterance of encouragement establish us

When we internalize their compliments

Our passions will reveal themselves to our souls