Switching Direction

So I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately. It makes more sense to have this blog dedicated mostly to poetry, with my blog as more of an aside. I’ve been writing poetry as an outlet for the thoughts that I have, and kind of steered away from outright blogging my thoughts. I haven’t decided if I will do away with the blog portion altogether, and only focus on poems. For now I will leave up my blog posts. My poetry seems to be what people are most interested in reading, so it seems rational to do away with the blog posts eventually. I think I will switch over to a personal journal for when I need to write about the things I am thinking about. I’ve also updated my theme as the old one was getting a little dated, and wasn’t as pleasant on the eyes. Hope you enjoy the new theme!

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1 Month

Things have been improving in my life over the past month. My biggest achievement is that I haven’t smoked pot for just over a month now. The first two weeks of withdrawal came with lots of headaches, insomnia, tiredness and stomach aches. After that initial hump it’s only been up from there. I’ve had more energy and motivation. My cognitive functioning is improving everyday. I haven’t been having so much paranoia and anxiety.

I spent the past few months lowering my intake from everyday smoking down to once a week, and on January 1st I quit altogether. I didn’t try to make it a new years resolution because those don’t seem to last more then a week. It was more of just that I was ready to finally go cold turkey and doing it on the first day of the year seemed like a good day to track how long I had been off of it.

This is the first time I’ve quit before without having cravings. Which is a great sign for keeping up with it. I think the work I’ve done on myself, and the goals I’ve set, have created a reality where I don’t need it anymore to deal with my problems. I know that it only increases my chances of psychosis, causes anxiety and paranoia, and messes with my motivation and thinking ability.

I am wary of when I hit the 2-3 month mark of being off of it this time. The last time I quit, that was when I tricked myself into “just one more time”. I will not be having another last toke. I am finished with it. And I realize now that it is a daily choice that I have to make. I cannot let myself play mind games and rationalize reasons to smoke again. When I quit for 2 months over a year ago, just smoking up again once was all it took to get back into it daily for another year straight. And although I fell down, it was necessary to learn a lesson of just how far I will fall if I allow myself to.

I won’t be able to learn the complex things I need to learn to go into engineering if I am smoking up. Some people can deal with going to school and toking, but I am not one of those people. It has affects on my mental illness and cognitive functioning. It makes me stupid.

Going to school is my biggest goal at the moment. I am pursuing a career in electrical engineering. I have a lot of work to do but I am excited about the process as much as I am about the reward. I’ve been practicing my math skills over the past couple weeks, learning the things I failed to understand while in high school. I’ve been enjoying the work I put into it very much. And the sense of accomplishment as I fill up my notebook with equations is lifting my self-esteem.

I have a lot to learn about still. I did poorly while in school, and although I graduated I just barely made it through. I learned the absolute minimum. Which will not suffice when I go back to do my upgrading of prerequisites to get into university. The next semester for upgrading starts in winter of this year. And although that is a far ways away, I am still worried it may not be enough time to catch up. I need to ace my math courses to get into the university I would like to go to.

So I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed, but at the same time I’m feeling good about myself for reaching for my goals. I have something to accomplish and I am set out to do so. My medication is working well since I have not drank in a few months. I don’t have any plans to drink again in the future.

Life is looking up right now. And that is just as scary as it is comforting. I have a little fear some nights that something terrible is going to happen to bring it all crashing down again. I try my best to have courage and understand that I will just have to deal with whatever comes my way.

I’ve especially been enjoying writing poetry for the past couple weeks. It seems to be the only thing that soothes my anxiety. When I can’t sleep at night it keeps me occupied and free from worry. It may not be very good poetry, but it is my expression of self and that makes it special to me.

I will continue working on my goals as much as I can. I know that with persistence, and the support I receive from loved ones and my mental health workers, that I can do something worthwhile with my life. I don’t want to self sabotage anymore, I just want to keep putting one foot in front of the other and remain steadfast on my journey.