Lonileness

An average day with somebody with depression can often be accompanied by a tidal wave of loneliness. As anxiety and anhedonia settle in, it becomes easy to withdraw from people you were once close to. Social settings just don’t do it for you anymore, and you’re starting to feel like nobody understands you.

It has been a hard few years without having any close friends. What feels like an eternity ago I had to break off ties with people who were no longer benefitting my life.

The first group of friends I had to leave was toxic. I was starting to see myself slipping away with this group of friends. Turning into a deadbeat, with no ambition or desire to better myself. This group played into my temptations and vices and I found myself making stupid decision after stupid decision.

I found a group of friends later on in college, and they were pretty cool for awhile. I still think about them sometimes. They just had different lifestyles and we went in different directions in our lives. I found myself falling into old patterns with this group of friends as well, so I decided it was time to cut them out.

Fast forward to now and it’s been about 4 years since I’ve had a solid friend. I’ve visited people here and there along the way, but I haven’t made any strong bonds in a long time.

That changed a little last year when my brother moved back home. We’ve been sort of close, but he isn’t home much. He works long hours and most days of the week so I’m lucky if I get to spend any time with him. Of course we’re close as we’re brothers, but I think I need friends outside of family as well.

I think what’s hard even beyond not seeing my brother or my girlfriend often is that depression makes you feel lonely anyways. Even when I’m around people I don’t feel connections or bonds forming anymore.

A lot of the time I even find myself irritable, not really wanting to engage with somebody. It’s not that I have a problem with the person I’m with, it’s just this underlying grumpiness that has no reason behind it. People I used to look forwards to seeing now feel like a chore to visit.

The anhedonia is crippling when it comes to relationships. I could be hanging with people, making jokes, and just unable to laugh or see the humour in the situation.  I want to have a good time but it just seems like everything is pointless or stupid.

Then there’s just the general feelings of being alone while you’re with others. There just isn’t any connection being made. This can make me feel so sad, especially around people I love, because the need for connection is still there.

I don’t know what’s behind all of this. I don’t know if there’s some underlying fear of opening up to others. I feel like there could be. I think that after having failed friend attempts I’m a little nervous about meeting new people.

I just don’t want to get myself into anymore messes. I would like to find people who lift me up, not bring me down. And I think desiring those kind of people makes me feel a little guilty. Like I don’t deserve to have that kind of person in my life. I worry about being the one bringing somebody else down. It would be so nice to find people who have the patience for me.

I really miss being able to get excited about something and tell somebody about it. I miss laughter. I miss feeling safe and cared for. I miss feeling important.

I also struggle a lot with social anxiety and self confidence. Even if I felt good right now, I don’t know how to make friends. I was brought up very sheltered and have never had many friends. I’m very quiet and introverted by nature, and I find most people don’t move at my pace. I don’t understand social situations all the time and my self-esteem doesn’t help with the learning curve.

I don’t think I’ve found many people like myself. I’m a little bit weird I suppose, and the people who have matched up so far haven’t been the best influences on my life.

I think that I deal with the loneliness by having hope that I will have friends again one day. I’ll keep on searching, I won’t give up on finding others who are like-minded. Maybe I’ll even meet some interesting people through my blogging.

 

Anxiety and Motivation

My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. Heart palpitations and extreme restlessness abound. I’m stuck in the usual anxious mood of “I don’t know what to do with myself” and “I don’t know what the problem is but there’s a problem.”

I think that my anxiety comes in where my goals meet my depression. I start to plan things and come up with ideas I’d like to work on, and create a bunch of things I’d like to start or accomplish.

Then the depression hits me and I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I start getting really anxious because there’s things I want to do, but they aren’t getting done.

Today I’m struggling with what to do with my blog. I’m getting frustrated and angry because I don’t want this to become “I didn’t know what to write about today, so I wrote a blog post about it.” I want to have something interesting to talk about.

This is why I want to create a separate section aside from the blog. The blog is mostly just going to be me figuring things out. It might be a lot of the same thing because I tend to organize my thoughts as I write in order to come up with the next big thing.

Maybe I’ll call the blog something else, like “Beginning the day”. That’s sort of what it has been so far, a start to my day to accomplish other things. It also gives me some release of the emotions and anxiety that I’m feeling. Expressing myself seems to calm me down a little and let me look at problems more subjectively.

I have a few ideas for quality posts I’d like to create, but the anxiety and the depression is getting in the way so much today.

I’m anxious because I want this website to have quality content, and I want it to be successful in reaching other people. I don’t know how to sit down and organize the thoughts I have going in my head. When I’m anxious it makes it 10x harder to relax and figure something out.

The depression is really hurting me today because I know there’s things I could be doing, I just don’t have the energy to do them. If I could just start the ball rolling, then I might be able to make some progress. Which solidifies my idea for the blog being a “jumpstart” to creating other things for the website.

I don’t know if it’s my executive function, my depression, my anxiety, or all three, but I just don’t know how to start. I don’t know where to begin putting focus and effort.

I hope this isn’t too hard to understand, but I’m going to try to figure out what order I should do things in.

Okay, I’m going to identify the problem first.

The problem is: I can’t decide what to do with myself.

The solution, come up with things to do and pick one.

1.  Write a blog post
2. Upgrade the blog
3. Do research
4. Read a book

Okay, well first number one is now being worked on. I don’t have enough content in my head to make content on a blog, which means I need to do research. Upgrading the blog, I can do a couple things today but not much needs to be done right now. I already read from a book today, but I might read some more.

I feel a little better now. I’ve made it definitive that I should be doing research right now. My other options are just things I would like to be doing right now, but doing research makes the most sense for how to spend my time.

I feel a little more motivated, although not much, at least knowing what I should do. Even if I don’t do it, I can at least relax a little knowing what I should be doing if I feel up to it. Just the feeling of being powerless can bring on so much anxiety and frustration.

Making this post was useful, maybe not for anybody reading but it was to me. I lowered my anxiety level a little bit and figured out what I need to do next. I found a new way to organize my blog and make it useful to me. For an empty blog post, this one was definitely helpful to me.

Managing Mental Illness

 

I think a direction I would definitely like to go with this blog is the management of Mental Illness. I’ve been mulling over ideas, and I’ve at least come up with something solid. I would like to talk about the day to day victories of living with a mental illness.

I had a bit of an a-ha moment with this idea. I realized that the problem I was facing wasn’t one that had an answer. I was trying to solve mental illness, when I’m in no place to do so. I do, however, have real experience on living with it day to day, and the things I do to keep myself going.

I think this is more important then just building a website. I think that I often forget that there is no cure for this. It’s never going to go away completely. I’ve been chasing that though, a final escape from my condition. And I think it makes me go in circles. I look for things that caused it, I look for what’s going to make me better.

I think I put a lot of extra stress on myself trying to come up with an answer. It’s fruitless because there is no end-game.

If I were to focus my efforts on managing the illness, I might find my efforts more rewarding. Look at my strengths and my weaknesses and figure out where I can go from there.

I’m already learning all the time what my limits are. What I can and can’t do. I may not be ready yet for a full time job, but I’m volunteering at an animal shelter so that I’m prepared with a reference when I am ready to apply for work again.

Just writing this post is making me realize how hard I’ve been on myself. I’ve tried a lot of different things to try to improve my situation, and I think I’ve learned a lot from it. It’s easy for me to look back and just see a mountain of failures. If I were to change my perspective though, I might look back and see that I’ve learned something about myself and my abilities every time I’ve failed. I could even say that it was good that I was at least trying to do something to improve my situation.

When I don’t stick with things it makes it harder to come back to it and start over. I’m really hard on myself when I set a goal and don’t follow through. It scares me out of trying again, for fear of feeling shitty if I fail again. I think it’s important for me to think about trying something even though I failed the first time, or first hundred times. I think I’ll even pat myself on the back for the fact that I’ve started 4 blogs now, and yet I keep coming back. Each one gets better then the last, and each time I grow in my ability to express myself. After the first failed attempt I felt horrible about myself. Now I’m feeling like I can let go a little with the past failures and focus on what I’ve improved.

A week ago I was going crazy trying to come up with ideas for my blog or think about what to do next. I’ve found if I just sit down and start working instead of worrying about it that I always produce something better then last time. I was being so hard on myself for not being able to come up with what needed to be done. I was overwhelmed by how complicated and how much work building a website can be. If I would have done all the same things I did this week without stressing about it, I probably would have completed the same things, except I could have lived with a little less stress on my mind.

It’s so easy to look at the future and see how much work needs to be done, and to feel like it’s too much. While a certain larger direction is needed, I think putting focus on my daily efforts is important. Thinking about how to solve a problem or motivate myself should be more important then figuring out the big picture on a daily basis. I can set aside time to look at the bigger picture, a day to sit down and navigate myself.

I’ll have to start writing down things I do during the day that improve my mood or move me in a good direction. It will be good for me to think in terms of taking things day by day, and seeing the small victories that will lead to bigger victories. It will be useful for me to be able to go back and read things that I used to deal with problems and tasks before.

 

OurDepression’s Purpose

I’m spending time tonight researching blog tips and trying to come up with the direction I would like to take this blog. I keep reading that it’s important to have a theme or purpose for your blog. People should be able to describe in one sentence what your blog is about.

I’m struggling with this a little, I don’t know exactly what OurDepression is about. So far I’ve changed the tagline to Coping with Mental Illness. That’s the general concept I have in my head, but I feel like there’s something more to it.

I don’t know how to describe it, it’s not a fully formed thought yet. Like having a word on the tip of your tongue, I just can’t fully grasp the idea I have. It’s a little bit of coping with depression, a little bit of motivational, a little bit of informational, and a little bit of something else? I don’t know that last piece, the only words I have for it are “the struggle”.

It’s hard for me right now to come up with a niche, or to think of who might be reading my blog. I don’t know who I intend to help or comfort! I wish it could be everybody, but I don’t think it works that way.

I’m having a little fun messing around with the technical stuff, organizing pages, making buttons and menus. I think if I keep up with this for another month I’ll probably buy the upgraded wordpress and hosting so I can add some cool plugins and upgrade the website more efficiently.

I’m trying to come up with some ideas for pages to include, I don’t want it to just be a blog about my daily life. I’ve thought about doing book reviews, it’s just that I know that there’s so much junk literature on depression out there. Possibly some write ups on influential people and what they accomplished/what their message was.  I’d like to link to other resources or blogs or youtube videos that I find insightful or helpful. Nothing’s really set in stone yet though, I’m just brainstorming ideas.

What’s hard for me is that I want this to be authentic, so I feel I have to know what I’m talking about. I would like to be resourceful to people struggling with depression, but I haven’t pulled my self out of depression yet. I can’t describe how to do something I haven’t completed doing.

I find it challenging as well to balance authentic writing with what will be best for the reader. I want to have my own voice, and at the same time I want to be relatable enough to people that I can be resourceful.

I’ll be completely transparent in saying I want to make a successful blog. It’s not so much about the money, and I’m feeling that way the more that I do it. I just enjoy it, and it would be cool to have a following. Besides, what’s the point in making a blog to share if nobody reads it?

I think I just discovered something about myself in that last paragraph. I think something I hope for in creating a website is making content that creates a connection. I want to connect with others who are going through the same sort of things. A big part of having depression sometimes is dealing with loneliness. If I can share myself with others, perhaps others will feel comfortable enough to share with me. Maybe bonds can be made with others who would understand the challenges of mental illness.

I want to bring comfort to people, I think that’s a core part of the concept as well. I don’t know how to define this wholly. In my head I can imagine somebody coming to my website and just feeling comfortable, welcome there. A place where they can come hang out and escape the boredom for a little while.

So I guess that means I want to be stimulating as well, to have some sort of grip over the readers. I don’t want to be a ranter or a dry speaker. I hope that I can create some sort of flow in my writing that keeps readers coming back for more.

I know I’d like to touch on philosophy, but it scares me. It’s just so expansive and deep, I don’t know if I have the energy to delve into it right now. It would be interesting to have debates with others on life philosophies though.

Whatever happens, it looks like there’s a lot of work ahead of me if I want to reach my goals for this website. Defining what those goals are is the first step in reaching them. Doing some research and brainstorming helped me come up with a few ideas, and writing a post has helped me articulate it and organize it a little better in my head. I do think it’s cool, though, that every time I post I feel a little euphoric afterwards.

Mixed feelings

Having a bit of a weird day today, I have lots of mixed emotions and anxiety. I’m happy to have learned that this feeling I get is anxiety, now I can look for ways to deal with it. Before it was really confusing because I get this feeling like something’s not right, and that I needed something to relax. The problem is nothing satisfies that hole I have, and I start to lose it. I pace around the house a lot, talk to my cats, and in general go in circles in my head.

I don’t know what’s wrong today. I don’t know why I feel so funny. My only idea is that it’s all the racing thoughts trying to jump over each other. Even to do with my blog, I have all these mixed feelings and that usually leads to me freezing up.

The last few posts I made I was a little manic, I can look back and realize that now. A big tip off is how excited I got, and how I made all these promises to myself to keep going 100%. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I can see that I was biting off more then I can chew. I’m not ready to write everyday and read everyday, it’s hard enough to take personal care of myself let alone start big projects.

I also had the same thing happen that’s happened every time I get excited and start a blog. I started to feel weird about it. Like something wasn’t right. That really dirty, guilty, shameful feeling. I think I’m scared of people seeing me the way I am inside. Not everyone though, in fact a lot of people I don’t think I would care what they think.

What really brings me down and makes me afraid to write is the really macho, alpha male, tradesmen sort of people. I don’t know how I would react if a contractor read my blog and called me a pussy. It sounds a little silly when I say it out loud, but I guess I’m afraid of being called out for having feelings or having things not alright in my life. There’s the classic “man up” approach taken by a lot of men, and it doesn’t work for me. It never has. In fact it’s more likely to make me angry or freeze up.

I have some issues right now with identity, and I think the idea of a manly sort of person coming down on me really stresses me out. I don’t really know who I am or what I care about, and a lot has changed in a short span of time. I don’t really care about the macho stuff, it doesn’t do anything for me. I also don’t like the idea of having low self-esteem, low confidence, and no skills.

I’m sort of stuck with this right now because I don’t know how to identify somebody that is confident, has self-esteem and has skills that isn’t an asshole. I don’t know how to have those things without becoming things I don’t want to be. I think I need to meet more people to see what kinds of people exist. So far I haven’t seen anybody take the best of both worlds, the manly man who is kind to others. The sensitive man who can fix a car and build a house. I want to be in that middle, I just don’t know how.

I think this post is a bit of a fuck you to my fears of assholes. Maybe I’ll get made fun of but the post is going up regardless.

I think it’s more likely that I’ll keep writing posts as I feel like I can. Hopefully they will be more frequent as I start doing it more. It does seem helpful to write, and it lets me escape for a little bit. That feeling of anxiety goes down a little bit when I write and that’s a good thing.

 

Defining Goals

I don’t have a lot to post about today, other then that I’m starting to get a better idea of how I will improve myself, and in turn, improve my blog.

I’m a little anxious because I know I can get a little too grandiose with my project ideas. I set myself up for a lot of work that I’m not ready to handle yet. This time I think I found something to bite onto, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I would like to dedicate real hours into learning how to become a better writer, somebody worth reading. It’s one of very few things I seem to have at least some innate talent for, as in it’s something I don’t completely suck at. As a bonus I actually enjoy myself when I sit down to write. It’s actually kind of cool to see where my writing is clunky, and to think about how I can make it flow more smoothly.

I think I will be more likely to stick with this, as long as I can keep my self-esteem in check. In the past I’ve written blog posts and given up after 2-3, and this was because I was so insecure about what I was writing about. I’m coming from a vulnerable position, sharing things with people I’ve never met. It can make me feel funny to share things on a visceral level, I would almost go so far to say that it makes me feel dirty. I’m not even sure if this is true, but I feel that most men don’t share their feelings or open up about what’s really going on in their minds. Maybe this has changed a little as we head into 2016, but that feeling doesn’t go away.

I’ve just sort of been coming to terms with myself and who I am over the past months. I’m learning to accept that I have a sensitive side, and even to see that there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not there all the way but I’m moving in that direction.

The reason I think I’m more likely to stick to this then my other endeavors is the actual passion I feel for it right now. I feel alive when I write. Usually when I’m trying to come up with ways to improve my life, it always comes down to “How does that convert into dollars?” I’ve yet to find something else that I really feel like doing because of the means, not the end. (Hey I just edited out a boring line because of a tip I read earlier today, fun stuff!)

Weightlifting is always on and off, because I really want the results but I don’t have a lot of interest in the work. Not that I don’t like it, just that doing a workout doesn’t do anything for me in the moment.

With writing, I actually enjoy the process. It’s interesting and a little fun to play around with words and see what fits and what doesn’t. I also have my blog as my own platform, and I can do whatever I want with it.

I have to remember that I have depression, and that there will be days when nothing happens. Probably lots of those days. I’ll do my best to remember that I can still always try again.

Here are some of the ideas floating in my head right now:

-Read lots of books!

-Write something everyday

-Find some resources for book recommendations

-Learn how to use proper grammar and sentence structure

-Do writing prompts on reddit

I was going to just keep going with this list until I stopped and thought that’s probably enough for now. Just writing everyday will be a challenge. I’m excited to have found something I actually feel a little passionate about. So far I’ve been coming up with nothing, and as a result doing nothing. At least I’m doing something now, even if it turns out to be pointless I can say I enjoyed the journey.

Okay maybe one more to that list: Learn how to end blog posts!

Articulating Thoughts

Something I hope to accomplish by writing a blog is getting a better grasp on how I articulate what I’m thinking about. The few posts I’ve already written show just how far from an original concept you can go when you’re writing. It seems like the most simple thing in the world, getting thoughts into words. It can be really challenging for me, especially with mental illness looming in the background. My mind doesn’t work as efficiently as it did before I started getting symptoms of psychosis.

One thing I’ve noticed since I started writing is that I almost expect the reader to know what I’m talking about. Sometimes I’ll be writing, and when I read it over I’ll realize that there’s no way to tell what I’m talking about without some more key words thrown in. I’m already changing the way that I write to better compensate for this.

I think what’s most challenging about not being able to articulate myself is that it makes getting help so much harder. I want to tell my doctors what’s wrong, but it just won’t come out. It’s this big festering idea in my head and it just wants to come out all at once. Maybe by writing it out piece by piece, it won’t be such a mess in my head.

It really creates a sense of loneliness as well, as I don’t feel connected to people if I’m not understood. And perhaps that’s an area I am suffering, I need that connection and feeling of being understood.

I really go crazy when I think about how we won’t ever truly know somebody. All the thoughts and feelings and opinions they have. We won’t ever connect with somebody wholly. It saddens me because I have so much I want to share, and so much I want to know about others.  I think sometimes I’m depressed because we haven’t invented mind-to-mind communication.

What’s weird though is I have connections with beings that have never spoken a word to me. My pets are the closest things to me even though we’ve never had a conversation. Perhaps we converse in other ways.

I want to express myself, because I feel like there’s something inside that needs to come out. I don’t know if it’s ugly or beautiful, but either way it’s eager for freedom. I hold a lot of myself in. I think it’s toxic and depressing to hold on to so much. The problem is the disconnect between thoughts and reality. I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t express myself through any of the art forms I’ve tried. So far writing is the closest I’ve come, but it’s still so far from what’s really underneath.

I’m scared that I’ll die before anything ever comes out. That is a real fear of mine. I don’t really know why I’m so afraid of it but I am. It’s like I need to leave behind a legacy, even if it’s a small one.

I want to be understood by others, I probably want that more then I realize. I don’t understand why it’s such a deep human trait to want to be understood, but it’s there. I want to say something to somebody, and know that they’re thinking what I’m thinking. It can be exhausting talking to somebody who only hears what they want to hear.

I’m very lonely. I think a big part of that is not connecting with others. I have people in my life but the connection just isn’t there. I think I need to learn how to express myself to be able to connect with people again. I approach life from a visceral level, and I hope that I can find people who are like minded.

Slowly I hope to let go of the barriers of expressing myself, to push the boundaries of fear and shame. I’m looking for ways to express myself so that I can get it all out. So far writing feels okay.

I want to write this down because I know it will help me later:

Putting the work in helps, even when it feels like it doesn’t. We all want instant results, but that’s not how these things work. It takes time and dedication. Everytime I sit down and write down a little bit, I move a stone from a mountain. I might not feel good right away, but if I keep doing the same thing, picking away at it, things will change. Every little thing adds up. Keep doing the boring work, the grinding, the mountain moving, keep doing it until the mountain has moved.

 

 

Overcoming anxiety

I’m writing this blog post today to hack away at my anxiety and to try to accomplish something for myself. I would like to keep track of the things that I do to overcome my mental illness, and to offer it as a resource to others who may be looking for change in their lives as well. This post is dedicated to some of the things that are stopping me from moving forwards today, and what I’m doing to challenge myself and overcome those barriers.

The first hurtle I have to jump over is racing thoughts. I was pacing around my house with a thousand ideas in my mind before I decided to sit down and write a blog post. “How will I become independent” is a constant question in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking of ways I can manage my illness and find a steady income. Grandiose thoughts can be a problem, as I have an itch to start my own business or pay my way through other means then a 9-5. I have lots of ideas for what to do when things are rolling, when things are big, but nothing for right now. So I’ll pace back and forth, thinking of all these things I would like to accomplish, all at once. Which usually leads to a big let down, I go in circles for hours until I decide it’s all too hard, and I start browsing the internet instead. I overcame this today by having the courage to pick something. I don’t know what other word to use to describe it, it took courage to stop thinking about what will work, and just try something to see if it will work.

I also deal a lot with anxiety, for me it’s a feeling of impending doom that’s always there. I can’t relax, it’s impossible for me to sit still or unwind on the couch. Even worse is trying to get myself to do something. With all the racing thoughts it can take hours just to decide where to start. With anxiety, there’s this underlying fear that moving forwards means change. Ideally, change should be embraced and met with curiosity of how to make the best of things. With anxiety, it’s like you have a crystal ball that sais “doing this means death”. You see all the reasons it won’t work, the ways you’re incompetent, and all the time you would waste trying something. In the moment, it’s not so clear what the problem is either. It’s just a feeling, that overtakes all of you, that you can’t stop and do the thing you need to do. You’re brain just sais “I won’t”. I overcame this in a weird sort of way. I just sort of did all the things I was physically capable of, without attaching myself to what those actions meant. What I mean is I knew I was physically capable of setting up my computer at my desk, and using my fingers to type words. I knew I was physically capable of sitting down to watch wordpress tutorials. So I just sort of went through the motions. I watched tutorials, without really thinking about my website. I played around with my blog settings without thinking too much about what I was doing. I literally typed “I’m writing this blog post today…” and just sat there until I had an idea to work with. It was all quite easy in hindsight. Getting myself to start was really the only hard part.

Low self-esteem is another barrier that I face in accomplishing what I desire. Feeling like I can’t do it, that my attempts will be futile or childish or humiliating. Objectively I can say that we need to fail to succeed, but subjectively failure can be a frightening experience. It’s easy to have a perspective that views failures as a pattern I can’t escape. I don’t know how to describe how I overcame this, other then with, you guessed it, Courage. It took a lot of courage to just say “I’m doing this, and I don’t care what you think!”.

So I’ve decided to just DO something. I’m making the best with what I have, and trying to learn what I can as I go. I’m overcoming the things that are holding me back as best as I can.

I’ve been getting little glimmers of excitement about starting a blog for a long time now. Nothing really amazing or joyful, just every once in awhile it seems like a good idea. I think this is important, because I chose this idea based on the fact that it had been around for awhile.

So I’m having all this anxiety today about what to do with myself and how to better my life. And this blog idea keeps coming up. Not really exciting me, just an idea out of hundreds of others that keeps popping up. I decided to grab onto it and run with it. How did I finally decide on something?

I decided to just do it. But as simple as that sounds, there was some thinking behind it. My mind works in funny ways, I’ll do my best to describe how I got myself to overcome the anxiety and do something. I decided to waste time. One of the biggest things that stops me from moving forwards when I’m depressed or anxious is that everything feels so pointless. I decided that I was going to sit down, put some time into something, and possibly end up with no result. I decided that I was going to possibly make an idiot of myself. I picked something that I felt I had the potential to do, just not the motivation to do. I’m feeling more anxiety then depression today, so it’s not so much that I can’t do something with myself, more so that I don’t know what I should do with myself.

And from then on, once you take the first step, its really just about taking things as they come. For instance, I was watching tutorials on how to create a blog. With my anxiety levels so high, I could only sit for a few minutes at a time. The important thing is I kept coming back to it, forcing myself to sit down again and take in as much as I could. The cool thing is I actually learned something from it. I had trouble sitting down to make a blog post, but in the end it came down to simply sitting in front of the computer. I got up, I paced, and I smoked the entire time I wrote this, but either way I came back and I did it. It took me a lot longer then you might suspect, and I took a million breaks, but I did it. And if I keep practising, I can only get better at it.

This blog post might feel a little empty of content, but even the act of doing a boring blog post has taught me things. I’m learning about the way that I write, how to articulate myself, and how I can be more helpful in the future. I’m learning ways to say something without needing so many words to do it, I’m learning how ideas look in words, and I’m learning about how my own mind works. I’m learning how to link ideas together, and what makes ideas hard to understand or articulate.